The Question of Inevitability
by knowhere
Summary: Literati. Rory left in search of an answer to the question that she didn’t know how to ask. Five years later she comes back to the city where she abruptly ended her life with Jess. Does he have the ability to forgive her? AU
1. Lunchables

**The Question of Inevitability **

Author: Knowhere

Chapter 1: Lunchables

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: Nothing

**AN**: Here's to the beginning of another journey.  I do hope that you will enjoy this, I've worked pretty hard on the first few chapters that I've written and I like the result so far.  Anyways, thanks for reading, you know I always appreciate it.

Summary: Rory left in search of an answer to the question that she didn't know how to ask.  Now five years later she comes back to the city where she abruptly ended her life with Jess.  Does he have the ability to forgive her? **Literati/**Au/Future Fic

_(Flashback)_

_"Rory, why are you doing this?"  His eyes pleaded for an explanation; he was on the verge of tears, even though he knew that inside, he was already desperately heart broken.  "Stay…we can work it out…do something; don't throw this away."  He was begging and he hated it; he had never begged for anything in his life.  He was used to being independent, but there in the darkening silence, he didn't know what else to do.  He swallowed hard and waited for her answer._

_            "I'm sorry, Jess.  I just can't…"  She was a hundred miles past being on just the verge of tears.  They streamed down her face and collected at her feet.  She knew that she was making a mistake…to leave, but she just didn't know how explain.  They were too deeply embedded in each other—she had gone too far past resolution._

_            "Why?"  His simple question stung her deeply.  She honestly didn't know and she couldn't tell him; but she knew that she was killing him with her departure.  _

_            "I'm sorry Jess."  She just kept on repeating it, like a mantra.  She grabbed her coat and shrugged her arms into it and closed the door softly behind her._

_            His blood-shot eyes just watched her go.  He didn't move…he couldn't move.  He couldn't believe that she had left, just like that.  After all they'd been through, after all the obstacles that they had overcome to be together all those years…she just threw it all away.  He went over and touched the door as if to absorb the last memory that he knew he would have of her.  He sunk to the floor, finally crying in earnest of the heart ache that began to consume his entire being.  He buried his face into his arms and banged his head against the door…_

_(End of Flashback) _

            Jess closed the door to his bedroom while buttoning his shirt.  He hung his tie around his neck, waiting for the last possible second to finally tie it on.  He hated them—they always felt like they were trying to kill him, to suffocate him.  He felt that enough just on his own, he didn't need an article of clothing to help him feel it.  He walked over to his kitchen and poured himself a cup of coffee that had been already made for him at the same time everyday.  He spun around and opened his fridge to check what else he had to eat.  Seeing nothing, Jess reached up to the pantry and pulled out a power bar.  He opened it with a face of disgust.  He hated those things—he never believed in their faux promise of energy, but he still ate it.

            A jingle of metal tags and a patter of nails upon wood floors jerked Jess's head up to see his dog jogging up to him.  The dark brown retriever wagged his tail happily at his owner and went over to sit at Jess's feet.  "Hey buddy…whatcha doing up this early?  If I were you, I'd sleep in as long as I could."  Jess laughed and shook his head at himself—he couldn't believe that he was actually talking to his dog.

            He left the canine in the kitchen and went to the closet to grab his coat and briefcase.  At first, Jess never liked carrying around the briefcase…it just wasn't cool…for a lack of a better word.  In the beginning he opted for just carrying his paper work around in his arms, and then in a backpack, but when it didn't look 'business' enough, he finally succumbed to the briefcase.  Picking up the keys from the counter by the door he leaned down to give the dog one last pat.  "Be good Oliver.  No barking."  With one last glance at his dog, he left the apartment.

---------------------------------------------

            Rory tugged on her black skirt and straightened her light blue blouse.  She tucked her hair behind her ears once again and looked at her reflection in the mirror to check if she looked presentable.  She was extremely nervous and it didn't help that she had extra coffee this morning.  It put her even more on the edge.  She took a deep breath and walked past the large sign that said 'New York Times' and pushed on the door and she walked right up to the receptionist.  

            "Hi, may I help you?" 

            "I have an interview with a Mr. Calhoun."  

            "Hold on a second."  The young woman tapped a couple of keys on her computer and spoke quietly into her headset.  With a quick nod and an 'okay' she turned back to Rory and informed her, "He's on the eighth floor.  Take the elevator and the secretary will direct you.  Have a nice day."  She smiled generically and turned back to her work.

            With a quick nod and a mumbled 'thank you' Rory headed on over to the elevator and waited for the eighth floor.  She was informed that Mr. Calhoun was in a brief meeting and that he'll be with her shortly.  Rory thumbed the magazine but couldn't concentrate on the words that seemed to swim in front of her eyes.  She vaguely heard a masculine voice thanking someone and then she looked up to see a man's back walking away.  Her name was called and she followed the middle-aged man into his office.

            "Please Miss Gilmore, have a seat."  Mr. Calhoun smiled warmly at her and held out his hand in invitation to the chair that sat in front of his large oak desk.  

            "Thank you."  She took the seat and began to gather up her thoughts.  She really wanted this job.

            "So, Miss Gilmore…what brings you to New York?"  He put on his glasses to closely examine her résumé that she brought with her, along with countless recommendations and references.  

            "Actually I used to live in the city; I'm coming back because I heard that there was an open position here at the Times.  This job opening seemed fitted my journalistic abilities perfectly and that I wanted to come back to New York."  She smiled warmly at the man and hoped that she sounded confident, but not too much so to push him away.

            "Well, you're references are outstanding and you have the experience that we're looking for.  We'll do a trial run to see if you'll adjust the way that this company would like and then we'll take it from here, okay?"

            "Yes, thank you very much for this opportunity, Sir."

            "You're welcome.  Nancy over there in the front will have you sign all the appropriate papers and she'll have you set up in an office."

            Rory shook his hand and thanked him once again and proceeded to the front to complete the offer.  She was ecstatic to be able to work there…she had always wanted to report for the Times, and now she was going to get her opportunity.  

---------------------------------------------

            Jess stared at his blank computer screen, trying to draw out some sort of inspiration.  Coming up empty handed he let the screen saver come up and he leaned back on his chair—just staring at nothing in particular.  A buzz on his phone pulled him back to earth and he reached over to take the call.  "Yea?"

            "Mr. Calhoun is here to see you."

            "Yeah, let him in."  Jess sat up straight in his chair and tightened his tie to make sure that he looked presentable.  

            A quick knock was heard and Mr. Calhoun walked into Jess's office.  "Just to let you know, Mariano, I've already filled that position that you had open.  Try not to scare this one away too, will ya?"  He smiled jokingly at the younger man and sat down at one of the leather chairs that faced Jess's desk.  

            "Well maybe if you'd hire some good ones, I wouldn't have to get mad at their total incompetence."  Jess smiled back at him.  Rob Calhoun was a good-natured man; he had hired Jess on a whim, based solely on nothing but first impressions.  To Rob's surprise, Jess superceded his expectations and turned out to be one of his most valued employees.  Rob enjoyed Jess's company like a younger brother that he could tease and yet turn to for some honest advice; and conversely, Jess appreciated Rob's knack to draw out his creative abilities.  They both respected each other professionally and as well as equals.  "So, did this new one have at least a degree in journalism?"

            "Actually I think this might be the one.  She graduated from some ivy-league but I don't remember which one.  She has some good experience that I think will do this department some good.  Anyways, I've got to get going.  I'm taking the rest of the day off to spend with the wife and kids.  My youngest one is playing in a soccer game today and she's really excited.  See ya Jess."  He left with a smile and softly closed the door behind him.

            Jess turned back to this lap top but still didn't make a move to start anything.  He reached out into his drawer and pulled out a brown paper bag.  He felt a little childish to bring lunch to work, but he didn't really like to leave his office just in case inspiration struck him.  He pulled out a Lunchable and shook his head at himself.  They were on sale the other day and he just bought them because he knew that he wouldn't have the time to make himself a sandwich in the mornings.  He pulled out the crackers and placed a piece of cheese and turkey on it and lifted it up to his mouth.  Suddenly he stopped and placed it back on his desk, only to stare remorsefully at them.

_(Flashback)_

_            "Really, who buys this kinda thing?  Why don't people just pack their kids' lunches the proper way?"_

_            "Jess, you're spoiling the whole fun of it.  It's cool to put all this stuff together for kids at school."  Rory dumped several containers of Lunchables into their shopping cart and began to wheel towards the dairy aisle._

_            "Well, if it's for kids then why are we buying them?"  His voice held a teasing tone in it and he went over to stop the cart.  She looked at him with a smile and he leaned down to kiss her gently on the mouth._

_            "Umm…come on, not here…the sooner we finish shopping, the sooner we can get home."  She raised her eyebrows suggestively and he grinned back broadly and took over, hurrying the process along by grabbing the first carton of milk he saw.  She laughed at his actions and jogged over to keep up with him…_

_(End of Flashback) _

            Jess still stared at the open lunch and he took a deep breath and popped the cracker, cheese, and meat into his mouth.  He closed his eyes as he slowly chewed as if he were to break some sort of tradition and he leaned back on his chair with his hands locked behind his head and just sat there in the silence of his office—deeply saturated with thought.

**AN:** Let me know what you think.  I always love to read what others feel about my writing, especially since this is the beginning to something new.


	2. Prose

**The Question of Inevitability **

Author: Knowhere

Chapter 2: Prose

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: Nothing

**AN**: Thank you for those who reviewed and especially those who saw this plot to become a similar one to other stories.  But don't worry, this will not be a 'Rory moves back—finds job—has Jess as boss—they meet—fall back in love.'  I have a different angle to this one.  Keep reading.

Summary: Rory left in search of an answer to the question that she didn't know how to ask.  Now five years later she comes back to the city where she abruptly ended her life with Jess.  Does he have the ability to forgive her? **Literati/**Au/Future Fic

            Jess unlocked the door to his loft apartment and was greeted by Oliver that was waiting for him at the door.   "Hey buddy."  He leaned down briefly to ruffle the dog's ears but then struggled to carry the take out bags to the kitchen.  Oliver followed Jess happily, just watching him with wide and curious eyes.  "Too bad you don't have opposable thumbs; you could make this whole process a lot easier."  Jess looked down and shook his head.  The answering machine blinked consistently and Jess stretched over the counter to press the button while the opened the refrigerator to grab a beer.  

            The machine replied with a shrill high-pitched voice, "Hi Jess, its Becky.  I had a lot of fun the other night, anyways I'd love to do it again…give me a call you know my number, gorgeous." 

            Oliver looked up from his lying place on the floor and Jess stared back with a grimace.  "Ugh…when will she get the point that I'm not interested, huh?  You should've chewed her expensive shoes…you do it to mine, why couldn't you do me a favor and get rid of her?"  Shaking his head, he grabbed his drink and his containers of Chinese and headed over to the couch.

            He found the remote on the coffee table and started to channel surf.  He incidentally flipped to a random movie channel and they were playing 'While You Were Sleeping.'  It was at the point where Bill Pullman slants into Sandra Bullock and tells her the intimacy of leaning.

_(Flashback)_

_            Rory was standing in her study, peering into her book case for something good to read.  She picked up Shakespeare's As You Like It and began to flip through some of the pages.  She smiles as she sees the familiar scrawl on practically every page.  She brushes her hair out of her face with her left hand and continues to stand there in front of her bookcase, absorbing the memories._

_            Jess walks up behind her and at first he's about to say something, but then reconsiders.  He stands taller to look over her shoulder to see what she's reading.  Smiling to see that she had picked up one of his old books, Jess quietly stalks up behind her and blows on her neck._

_            She startles and jumps at his touch.  "Jess…you scared the crap out of me."  Rory turns around to look at him._

_            "I try…As You Like It huh?  You know…I've always like Oliver, __Orlando__'s older brother."  Jess smirks at her and reaches his hand up to lean into her, trapping her between his body and the bookcase._

_            She lets the book down to her side and tilts her head up to respond, "Oh, yea?"  She giggles because he's so close to her…his scent is intoxicating to her senses.  She fights to stay visibly in control._

_            Jess can tell that she's loosing control and he likes how he can affect her like that.  "You know…leaning is much more intimate than a hug…"_

_            He's getting cheesy and she loves that about him.  Sure, he can be sarcastic and stubborn at times, but it's moments like these that make her fall for him all over again.  Rory knows that he rarely does something like that—to quote a romantic comedy, and she enjoys the moment…_

_(End of Flashback)   _    

            Jess scowled at the TV screen and picked up the remote to turn it off.  He got up off the couch and walked over to his bedroom where he just flopped in bed and began to stare at the ceiling.  He was picking up random patterns and he rolled over with a groan and thought to himself.  'Why am I still thinking about things like that?  It's been five years and God knows that I've tried to move past all that shit.'  He reached over to his nightstand and just clicked the lamp off and went to sleep—not even bothering with his shoes or clothes.

---------------------------------------------

            The abrasive sound of the telephone awoke Jess from his light sleep.  He groaned and blindly fumbled for the light switch.  Taking his time to grab his clock and to read the time, he rubbed his face with a weary palm and picked up the phone from the base unit.  "Hello?"  He slurred slightly and cleared his throat to make himself sound more coherent.  

            "Jess?  Hey man, it's me."  The line crackled with static but Jess could still hear perfectly fine over the slight buzz of taxi cabs and various street conversations.

            "Ben?  Dude, it's like three in the morning.  Why are you calling?"

            "I need a place to stay for tonight.  Can I crash at your place?"

            "Sure, come on over."  They hung up and Jess wavered for a minute on his bed, debating on whether or not to get out at that moment.  Finally, he realized that he didn't know exactly where Ben was so he figured that he probably should at least get a pillow and a blanket for his friend.  

            Jess had met Ben in college; they had been roommates and they forged a friendship much closer than that of simple acquaintances.  They both had similar backgrounds—both came from the city and struggled to make into college, but most of all, they both seemed to posses that unsettling quality about life.  It was that feeling that drew the two together, but many times it also became their downfall.  They both struggled with the inability to find peace in their current situation.  Ben, much like Jess, felt like it was always wrong to stop to enjoy the moment without examining every detail without trying to shield himself from what he thought was inevitable heartbreak.  After college, they both kept in touch even after Ben went to work as a computer programmer.  Both men enjoyed their jobs and they would get together once in a while for a drink.  Since they shared a similar connection, they continued to be best friends and they often called upon each other for favors.

            Just as Jess finished laying out the pillow and sleeping bag that Ben seemed to use so many times, the door buzzed.  He got up to his feet and went to let Ben in.  Oliver happily padded over to the door to greet the newcomer.  Jess took a quick glance around the apartment to make sure everything was ready and then slipped the lock open and welcomed his friend.  "Hey man."

            "Hey Jess.  Thanks for this, really I mean it.  I just didn't have anywhere else to go tonight."

            Ben walked past him with his small black duffel bag along with his leather briefcase.  Jess turned and smirked at his companion.  Ben was wearing a very professional business shirt and tie with old denim jeans and a well-worn pair of high top converses.  Jess almost commented on the attire, but then he realized that he looked very similar to Ben—like they were adults but still held onto their childhood.  Jess went to the kitchen to grab them each something to drink.  "What do you want?"

            "A beer would be nice."  Ben called from his comfortable position on the couch as Jess walked back to him with a beer in hand.  "Thanks, I really need this drink."

            "You look like shit."  Jess was never one for flowery-words, especially not with Ben.

            "Yeah, thanks for the newsflash.  I've been walking around the city for like the last two hours.  She kicked me out, you know?"

            Jess's face suddenly dropped with concern.  He knew that Ben had really liked his girlfriend; actually Jess would even be brave enough to say that his friend was in love.  Even though Ben adamantly denied it, Jess could tell that he was actually considering settling down with this one.  Knowing that this is certainly a hard time for his friend, Jess did something that he rarely does with guys.  "You wanna talk about it?"

            Ben was somewhat shocked but didn't call Jess on it.  He was really grateful for the chance to talk with someone he trusted.  "I just don't know what happened.  I mean, one second we're doing all great and stuff and the next, we're at each other's throats.  I have shitty days too ya know, and it's like she doesn't even think I have a life outside of our relationship.  Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't love her or anything; it's just hard when she won't stop yelling at me.  Well too late now, she said that she'd be out of the apartment by tomorrow.  Wow, I really screwed this one up, didn't I?"

            With a slight sympathetic chuckle Jess replied, "Yeah I guess; but you know I'm not the best person to be asking for advice on relationships.  God knows I can't keep my own love life working, much less have someone that I love.  Maybe this whole relationship thing isn't for guys like us."

            "What do you mean?"

            "I'm just saying that maybe there isn't that perfect someone out there for everyone.  Maybe we just go around in our lives trying to find that special _one_, but we can never be happy because that person only exists in those crap fairy tales that we're told as kids to keep up reaching for our damn dreams.  Maybe perfect isn't real…well, what do I know anyways?"

            Jess turned to glance at his friend after a couple moments of silence and Ben looked back with a hint of uncertainty.  It almost looks like he believes Jess, but doesn't want to accept it.  Tilting the bottle to his lips, Ben mumbles, "Yeah, maybe."

            With his coffee cup in hand, Jess leans back on the sofa next to Ben and also silently contemplates what he just said.  He looks out the window and stares at nothing in particular—both of them just listening to the ticking of the clock that hangs on the wall.  With a deep sigh Ben questions, "Do you really believe that?"

            Jess clears his throat and blinks a couple of times to get that awkward dryness out and asks, "Believe what?"

            "That there isn't someone out there for everyone?"

            Jess doesn't answer him; mainly because he doesn't know how to and mostly because he can't bring himself to say anything.  Instead, he glances at his black coffee and takes another sip.

_(Flashback)_

_            Jess sits at a darkened kitchen table in the early morning with a cup of black coffee in hand with the newspaper laid out in front of him.  He leisurely turns the page and takes another sip.  He seems peaceful and content; he stops reading for a second to just absorb the moment.  A warm pair of arms encircles his waist and he closes his eyes to enjoy the touch.  The arms pull back and Rory settles in on his lap and looks at him with a curious smile playing across her lips.  She opens her mouth to speak, but instead Jess closes the gap between them and kisses her gently while toying with the light gray shirt that she wears.  She sighs into their kiss and he smiles while taking his time exploring her mouth.  They break the kiss and she sits down on the chair across from him.  She takes his coffee cup and takes a sip of it while rifling through the paper for the front page._

_(End of flashback) _

            Jess shakes his head as if to do away with the memory and turns his head back to Ben, suddenly with question of his own.  "What's the point of love anyways?  If you don't have it—you're miserable.  If you do have it—you'll be miserable because someone always ends up getting hurt.  Some catch-22, huh?  The one thing that everyone talks about, writes about, or sings about…it's just a bunch of bull.  What's so great about love?  Nothing lasts."

            Ben reluctantly nods his head, finally seeing what Jess is talking about.  Then they both release a sigh and continue to take sips of their beverages while still staring at nothing in particular.  How ironic, they had forged a friendship due to their loner personalities, but in the end they still remain alone…together.

**AN:** Thanks for reading.  By the next chapter, you will be able to see why I've said this is going to be different than the other stories where Jess and Rory will be reunited and then they're stuck working together.  Drop a line!


	3. Swept

**The Question of Inevitability **

Author: Knowhere

Chapter 3: Swept

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: Nothing

**AN**: Thank you for your great responses.  Though I really focus on Jess, some of that is taken away and placed on Rory in the near future; but overall I want to make this more Jess-centered since the last fic was centered around mostly Rory; and as you already know, in here Rory was the one who left Jess, not the other way around.  I must say, this whole sadness and angst stuff writes so much more fluidly than other topics—I am really enjoying this.

Side Note:  **katem-23—Not only am I pleased, but I am also extremely honored that you would be reading my story.  I really enjoy your writing…thanks.**

Summary: Rory left in search of an answer to the question that she didn't know how to ask.  Now five years later she comes back to the city where she abruptly ended her life with Jess.  Does he have the ability to forgive her? **Literati/**Au/Future Fic

            Jess staggered out of his bedroom with his hair damp and the blue stripped shirt clinging onto the moisture on his skin.  He rubbed his eyes with both weary hands and struggled to look half way decent.  He silently chuckled at the smell of pancakes and eggs coming from the kitchen with the undeniable aroma of freshly brewed coffee.  "At least you're good for something."

            Ben turned around and smiled and handed Jess breakfast.  Ben had always had a knack for cooking, and much like Jess, he could always surprise a girl with the culinary skills that seemed to be rare among young guys in the city.  When they roomed together in college, they never ran into the problem of what to have for dinner.  It was another common thing that seemed to bond Jess and Ben together.

            Jess dug into his second pancake while washing it down with the coffee and he looked at his friend while he came to join Jess at the table.  "Geez Ben, you need a little more sleep.  You still look like hell."

            "Yeah, and that sunshine-y face of yours is a lot better to look at.  You look worse than I do…absolute shit, man.  Take the day off, we can hang out and complain about how sucky our lives have become."  The sarcasm dripped from Ben's voice and they both seemed to always enjoy the other's sense of cynicism—it was comforting for the both of them to know that they could actually communicate in their own odd way.

            "If I could, I would.  But I can't; there's a meeting today and Rob is kicking off this new phase or section or whatever new thing he wants to do with our department."

            Ben shrugged his shoulders and continued to eat his sunny-side up eggs.  "That's alright, I've got to go back to the apartment and pick up some stuff anyways.  Don't want to be crowding your bachelor pad forever."  

            Jess stopped and seriously replied, "You can stay as long as you need."

            Ben nodded and suddenly realized exactly what Jess was referring to.  Not wanting to upset him, Ben just stared at his plate while Jess seemed to already be lost in his own world.

_(Flashback)_

_            The constant knocking on the door finally woke Ben from his sleep.  Grumbling about nothing in particular, Ben threw back the covers and jogged to his door to see who was banging at his door at three in the morning.  Seeing Jess, he immediately opened the door to find that his friend was drenched in the rain and looking like a train ran over his entire body._

_            "Oh geez, what the hell Jess?  You okay?"  Ben was shocked to find Jess at his doorstep without a phone call to notify him or anything.  Sure they often popped up at each other's apartments in the middle of the night, but never without a phone call to let the other know what was happening._

_            Ben ushered his friend into the apartment and left him on the couch to grab a clean shirt and sweatpants for Jess to change into.  When he came back, Jess had left his place on the couch and went over to the window to stare at the rain.  "Here are some clean clothes, man."_

_            Jess simply just nodded and continued to stare outside.  Ben sat down on the couch and looked to his friend.  He wasn't able to see his face, but he knew that Jess was reluctant to have Ben see him like this.  They were never ones to show much emotions and Ben knew that something big was definitely up with Jess.  Still not speaking, Ben just silently watched his friend's back, ready to listen._

_            After twenty minutes Jess tilted his head slightly to glance at Ben, but still not fully looking at his friend.  "She left."  Jess whispered so softly that at first Ben didn't know if he heard him right._

_            "Rory?"  Ben didn't know why he even bother to ask if it was Rory or not—who else would Jess be talking about or even get upset about anyone except for Rory?_

_            With a bitter laugh that even shocked Ben, Jess nodded his head slowly several times as if to tell himself.  "Yeah, Rory.  I came home.  She was crying.  I tried to help.  She just left."  He spoke in short sentences and Ben knew precisely why.  He could hear the thick emotions that were in Jess's voice and he also knew that his friend would break down if he didn't keep his sentences short._

_            "Yup."  Jess answered once again and he bit his lower lip, ran a hand through his hair, and let out a depressed sigh.  He turned back to the window and reached out to gently touch the glass.  He swallowed and blinked back a couple tears.  "She just… left…just…gone…"_

_Even though Ben knew Jess was seriously upset, he never asked anything more about that night. He thought it would be better if Jess would try to let go; but after a while Ben knew that Jess would never be able to forget someone like Rory, especially since they had such an intense relationship.  But he just didn't know how to comfort his distraught friend, so he did what Jess silently asked him to—to drop it, to not talk about it.   He just always placed a taboo on that topic.  Jess never seemed to want to talk about his past especially the parts with Rory, and granted the fact that almost all of his past included Rory, Jess never talked about anything but the present and the future.   Ben never found out what really happened that night and he knew the reason he never asked was because Jess didn't know how to answer.  So they just always just swept it under the rug as some horrible memory that no one spoke of…_

_(End of Flashback) _

            Jess shook his head to pull his thoughts back into a fixed place.  He quickly glanced at Ben and he saw that he had a guilty expression on his face.  Choosing to ignore the look, Jess hurriedly grabbed his coat from behind his chair and hastily replied, "I've gotta go to work.  I'll see you later."

            Ben closed his eyes and hung his head, knowing that Jess is trying to escape the awkwardness of the moment by running away.  Squinting he winced and whispered, "I'm sorry Jess."

            Whether Ben was apologizing for bringing up the sore topic or for the current situation, Jess didn't exactly what he was apologizing for.  So instead he retorted with an almost inaudible, "Me too Ben."  He closed the door behind him and just left Ben to ponder the reason for his words.

            Nodding his head at no one, Ben drops his fork onto his plate with a loud clatter that even prompted Oliver to glance up at him.  "Yeah…I'm sorry."  He spoke to thin air—to nobody.  Even though Ben and Jess apologized to each other about different things, both men realized that sorry wasn't enough.  Sorry wasn't going to help them get up for another day, and sorry wasn't going to erase their pain that seemed to flood their lives.

---------------------------------------------

            With the late night of sitting in silence with Ben and the morning of awkward memories, Jess straggled into his office as if he had already put in an eighteen-hour work day.  His co-workers saw his expression and even Rob knew not to approach Jess.  People at work and those others who knew Jess on a daily basis knew that sometimes the man was just not in the mood for company.  Even though he had came a long way from his old detached personality, there were some days that people just understood and kept their distance from Jess.  He comprehended the fact that most newcomers looked at him with jealousy for his ability to dig out the real story, but he knew the real reason that most people at work didn't talk to him was simply because they were scared.  And yet, he didn't mind.  As long as he got the job done, Jess didn't seem to be bothered by other people's slight aversion to his rough personality.  Rob didn't bother him either, and sometimes even admired the younger man to be able to accomplish so much with an isolated passion that was uncommon for a guy of Jess's age.  

            He plopped onto his leather chair and flipped on the computer monitor and watched and waiting for it to whirr to life.  Jess swiftly glanced at the clock and realized that he had a staff meeting in fifteen minutes and he took a deep breath and ran his hands through his hair to calm himself down and to try to release some of that unwanted tension.  It was going to be a long day for him and at eight o'clock in the morning, he already felt like he needed to go home.

---------------------------------------------

            Rory looked around her modest office nervously.  She had been working for The Times for less than a week and she had yet to officially meet the rest of the staff in her department.  She sat in her uncomfortable chair and tapped her foot incessantly; she peered down at her feet and silently chided herself.  She had worked for big news companies before, in fact, she had worked for The Washington Post for a couple years, where she dominated the other staff writers with her unique ability to express emotions fluidly with simple words.  So why was she so nervous today?  Rory took another sip of her coffee and decided to drop by the bathroom before the meeting…just in case; she didn't want to run into any problems in the middle of the discussion.  

            She had ten minutes before the meeting and she gathered her folders, pens, and anything else she thought she'd need with her and headed over to the conference room.

---------------------------------------------

            Jess stood up and grabbed a black folder and prepared himself for an hour of sitting and talking with his co-workers.  It wasn't that he didn't like to exchange ideas or see how people reacted to his writing; he just wasn't in the mood for people today.  Taking a deep breath he was just about to leave when he hears a gentle knock on his door.  Seeing Rob at the door, he nods his head at him—a subtle acknowledgment of his presence.

            Rob prided himself on knowing Jess better than anyone in the office and he knew that look on his friend.  He knew that less words spoken with Jess was always the better choice on these days.  And with one glimpse at Jess, he knew that it was a perfect time to offer him another option for his career.  "Jess, why don't you take the day off?  Come see me tomorrow, I have this new position that I think would better suit you."

            "What?"  Jess was shocked.  Was he firing him?  But then again, he did say that there was another position, and nobody knew his writing abilities better than Rob.

            "There's a position open that's more like a free-lance writing under the company name.  It requires more travel than your current position and I think it'd do you some good to get out of this city once in a while.  Think about it tonight and if it seems interesting then come in tomorrow and we can work out the finer details.  Okay?"

            "Yeah, sure.  Thanks."  Jess didn't actually need any time to think about it.  He already knew that was what he really wanted to do.  He wanted to write but not like a novelist, and he wanted to escape the city, but he also wanted to be able to come back and see it as his home.  It was perfect for him.  

"Good.  I think this is much more suited for you."  With a pat on Jess's back, Rob closed the door to the spacious office and walked side by side in companionable silence to the elevator where Jess descended onto the ground floor, and Rob proceeded to the meeting room.

**AN:**  Thanks again for reading.  Check back soon (within the week) I have the next one ready…I just need to do a little proofing.  Let me know what you think.


	4. Distant

**The Question of Inevitability **

Author: Knowhere

Chapter 4: Distant

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: Nothing

**AN**:  I know it's been a while especially since used to update my other stories every couple of days; but I've started this job and I'm there for at least fifteen hours a week and I get a little tired, so I'm sorry if I've kept you waiting, but have no fear—I'll never leave a story unfinished, I really don't like how it leaves no closure.

**Important:**  For the reason I just mentions above—it's getting harder for me to keep revising my chapters by myself.  If you're interested in become a beta-reader and you have an eye for little details and mistakes and you like to see the process of this fic please give me an e-mail because I would really appreciate the help.  Plus, I want to bounce some ideas off of you, not only for this story but for another one that I've begun—it's different and I'd like the feedback.  Anyways, please let me know if you're interested.  Thanks.

Summary: Rory left in search of an answer to the question that she didn't know how to ask.  Now five years later she comes back to the city where she abruptly ended her life with Jess.  Does he have the ability to forgive her?** Literati/**Au/Future Fic

            Rory let out her breath in a content sigh and moved her mouse to click 'save'.  She was finally done and it had only taken her three days.  She finished her first major assignment and she immediately logged on to send it to her editor.  At first, after the initial staff meeting, she thought she was going to be introduced to the guy who was going to oversee her writing; but oddly enough, Mr. Calhoun was the only one who conducted the meeting that day and he informed all the new staff that he was going to be the department manger instead.  Rory was a bit puzzled at the change of events, but didn't question it any further.  All of the others in the department seemed more than friendly and with their ambition, she knew that she had found the right work environment.  

            She leaned back on her swivel chair and stared at nothing in particular.  Her eyes landed on the silver pen that stood alone next to the masses of ballpoints and she stopped to stare at it.  The fluorescent lighting from up above her cubicle danced upon the bright silver and she leaned forward in the chair, almost with her chin touching the desk surface and she slowly studied the pen.  Her fingers crept their way—wanting to touch it, as if they had five separate minds, all working against her deepest wishes.  Maybe it was longing—hell, she knew it was mostly regret.  Why has she kept the pen for all those years?  Rory never understood why she didn't just place it in one of the many boxes, all of them reminders of him, and just not think about it.  But she knew why.  The pen had kept her going even when she felt like giving up.  It was his answer to the promise he had made her all those years ago; he had given it to her on the night of her graduation, and even though the pen wasn't flashy or extremely expensive, it was elegant and simple in design—just like how their relationship had been.

_(Flashback)_

            _They were lying in bed after the long day.  She was exhausted but also giddy with excitement and anticipation.  Her graduation had finally came—her graduation from Yale.  After all those years of flitting to classes, rushing home to write her papers, and the countless hours of research she had to complete, she was finally rid of that life.  Time and time again, she had to cancel dates with Jess and her family to meet deadlines, and although they were very understanding of her situation, she always felt incredibly guilty for cutting them short.   Yet, she knew she would miss it; she'd miss the stimulation of ambition and competition.  She had more than proven herself worthy of being in an ivy-league school, and she was happy that she had accomplished her goals so well.  She snuggled down into the comforter and inhaled; she always loved the smell—it was the perfect blend of her and Jess.  Simple things like the smell of a blanket could always calm her down. Even though she had spent her share of nights here in Jess's apartment and she was pleased that she shared so much of his space, even though she never technically lived with him.  _

_            It was dark and the only light source was the small stream of a constant red light from the digital clock that rested on the nightstand.  Rory shifted her weight and turned to lie on her side.  She looked at Jess, who was perfectly level with her, and she studied him.  She never got tired of looking at him when he slept; she loved how his eyes closed oh-so tightly and how his eyebrows seemed to even furrow in his slumber.  She loved him so much and she knew that with the closing of her college life, another door opened that granted even more access to him.  Rory had cut so many weekends short with Jess because of school, and now she knew that they would be able to spend more time together; and that thought alone brought a smile to her lips.  "Thank you."  She knew he couldn't hear her, but she still wanted to thank him for all his patience.  _

_            He shifted again and his arms reached out to pull her closer to him.  Rory grinned broadly at that; she adored how he always seemed to make sure that she was still there.  His eyes fluttered open and he cleared his throat.  "For what?"_

_            "You heard me?  I thought you were asleep."_

_            "I just didn't want to disturb your train of thought."  He smiled at her and reached out to tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear.  "Thank you for what?"_

_            "Nothing, nah…it's nothing."  She leaned forward and pressed a kiss on his lips to convey what she didn't tell him with words._

_            "Hey, hold on a sec.  I have something for you.  It's nothing big but it's sorta a 'happy graduation' thing…"_

_(End of Flashback)_

            He had given her the pen; he told her that every journalist should have a good pen to start out with because if the pen was good, then the creativity would flow easier.  She had giggled at his cheesiness but was also touched at his thoughtfulness.  Jess told her the reason for the gift was because he had promised her that she would one day go and be an overseas-correspondent.   Even though she later chose to not travel as extensively as she thought she had wanted to, she still carried that silver pen into every office, meeting, or conference.

            It was stupid and childish of her to have always carried the pen with her wherever she went, but it was her security blanket.  When she was half-way around the world and she was all alone in her empty hotel room, she would begin writing first draft in the very same pen that brought her comfort.  And even after the breakup, she continued to carry it with her because it seemed to bring her such luck with work; but most of all, it reminded her of a time where they had the perfect relationship, before everything got so confusing.

            With nothing left to do, Rory began packing up her things and prepared to go home.  It had been a long day and with the completion of her first major article, she decided to go home and do some well-earned relaxing.  Maybe some take-out Chinese or Thai and a good movie will suffice.  

---------------------------------------------

            It was Jess's second trip this month and he was enjoying the beautiful scenery he found outside of his British hotel.  Rob had sent him to cover the unveiling of the new royal museum and even though it was a little boring, Jess swiftly wrote his article and had been doing some sightseeing for the last day or so.  He quickly found that he loved the freedom of traveling; at first when he was younger, he wanted to write and stay near the city because he didn't want to live out of a suitcase when he had Rory.  But now, he loved the rush of feelings he got to be able to see foreign countries and experience their unique culture.

            He couldn't help but feel that his traveling meant that he was finally taking the initiative to try to move on with his life.  Sure, there had been a couple of dates and a few short lived romances for him since the split, but he had never actually tried to move on.  Jess knew subconsciously that he still held onto the last shred of hope—albeit his hope was irrational and childish, he still held onto his last inkling of belief that the last five years hadn't happened.  Many lonely nights were spent when he'd return to his apartment and expected to see Rory sprawled on the couch with containers of take-out ready for him to eat.  But after the many restless nights, the holidays spent alone, and the haunting memories—twenty-eight year old Jess Mariano was finally ready to accept his fate and face the world alone.

            Traveling hadn't only helped him to move on, but Jess realized that it also helped him run away.  Yes, he was ready to continue with his life, but he understood that moving on didn't mean forgetting.  He couldn't forget the way she moved, talked, or even the way she looked when she slept.  With Rory giving up on the relationship it didn't just mean that she gave up on Jess; it also meant that Jess had to give up his family.  Ever since that fateful night, Jess never had the courage to go back to Stars Hallow to see Luke again.  He knew that Rory would never stop seeing Lorelai and thus he couldn't risk seeing Luke without accidentally running into her.  For the last five years, Jess had literally been on his own; and it killed him.  He had gone from being a guy that felt he had it all, to loosing not only the love of his life, but he also lost the support system that Luke had offered him for so many years.

            The day had finally caught up with Jess and weariness and fatigue tugged at his eyes and he closed them to bring on the sweet release of sleep.  He was going back home tomorrow and he was glad for the return.  He had loved the traveling and sightseeing, but he missed Oliver and he also missed the special comforts that only his own home could offer him over any hotel room in the world.  Ben had practically moved in with Jess since his split with his girlfriend and because Jess had to do so much more traveling, he almost offered Ben the entire empty apartment in exchange for some dog-sitting.  Besides, Jess had to go back to make sure Ben wasn't boring himself to death with nothing to do, and he needed to take care of some business with Rob back at the office.

---------------------------------------------

            She didn't know what was wrong with her.  Here she sat—a successful woman with a new job and plenty of ambitions, a family back in a small town that would support her through thick and thin, and a future that looked so bright that it almost made the sun look dim.  She did the best she could to avoid situations like these; the ones that she tried her hardest to run away from or hide from but always found herself staring at them when she was in the loneliest of places.  These were the times where suddenly she tuned out the world and became lost in anguish; when her conscience was riddled with regret and anger for herself.  She couldn't escape them…they haunted her and she always accepted it as part of her punishment for her naïve choices.  

            Her weekend started out as a couple of days that promised time for some well-earned relaxation.  What she hadn't counted on was to run into a photo album that was tucked in the far corner of her closet.  It had started out as an innocent venture—Rory Gilmore, the self-proclaimed clutter manic, was actually trying to clean out her closet.  However, she hadn't thought about all the overwhelming memories that she would encounter if she were to complete her task.

            She tucked a few stray hairs behind her ear and she was suddenly acutely aware of how fast her heart was beating.  Rory landed softly on the carpet on her bended knees and she reached out to the forgotten album of memories.  Capturing it between her hands she felt the soft leather and briefly wondered how she had forgotten about it being in the open.  But at eleven at night she landed on a photo album and she sat next to her bed and made the wrong move—she opened it.  She flipped through hundreds of memories of their time together and each of those photos served as a knife to her heart, reminding her of actions.

_(Flashback)_

_            "Hello?"_

_            "Mom?"  Her voice was barely a whisper and her sobs were overwhelming her voice._

_            "Rory?  Rory, what's wrong?  Are you hurt?"  Lorelai was in a panic, she had never in the last twenty-three years heard her only daughter so upset._

_            "Mom, I just did something really, really bad."  She couldn't control her sobbing, she was being washed away from her rational side and swept up in a hurricane of emotions._

_            "Honey, it's okay; whatever it is you just need to calm down."  Lorelai was doing the best she could to try to calm her down, but after five minutes of soothing comments, the phone went silent.  "Rory?  Are you still there?"_

_            "I left him Mom…I just left."  Rory whispered like a child and Lorelai almost thought for a second that she heard a five year-old Rory telling her that she's scared of the dark.  Lorelai was honestly afraid for the well-being of her daughter; she had never known Rory to be so disturbed._

_            "Left who, Rory?  Jess?  Where is he?"_

_            "I just walked out on him; I couldn't even give him a reason.  I'm really scared Mom."_

_            "Did he hurt you Rory?"  Lorelai knew that something was out of place; they had the perfect relationship—they were the poster child for young love.  Rory and Jess had it all—a nice home, beginnings of promising careers, and what seemed to be the perfect love for each other.  But something was not right; they showed no signs of trouble, so why would Rory suddenly out of the blue just leave him unless Jess had done something wrong?_

_            "No, he didn't hurt me.  He even begged me to stay…begged Mom, begged!  Jess Mariano actually begged me to stay and explain what was wrong!  He was so perfect and so good to me…I just couldn't Mom, I couldn't."  Rory didn't know how to say it.  Frankly, she didn't know the words herself.  Praying to God that her mom would be the one person who would remotely understand, she did something that she never thought she would.  "I need to get out of here…out of the city.  Mom, I need to come home for a while…just until I find somewhere else I can settle.  I'll be there tonight at around __midnight__."_

_            "Okay."  What else could a mother do?  What else could Lorelai say when she knew herself that her very own flesh and blood was in her darkest place?  So she did what she could—she didn't question, she was just there for Rory._

_(End of Flashback) _

            In ten minutes, all she had worked for the last five years diminished in the shedding of tears that she never let herself cry.  The tears that she willed her emotions to suppress because she knew it had been her own doing.  But what could she do now?  For the last five years she was on the other side of the country, pulling a hermit and cutting all ties that connected her to him.  The only people she saw were her immediate family and she practically became dead to all of the friends they shared.  For the hurt she caused him, the least Rory felt she could do was to keep away from his friends and leave him be.  She didn't even know where he lived or what he did, even if he was dead or alive.  Rory knew that her breakup caused a dent in her relationship with Luke.  When he took Jess under his wing, Luke was a surrogate father, and not only to Jess but to her as well.  But when she had left him, Jess apparently refused to contact Luke, and Rory felt terrible to cut off Luke's real family.  He might have adamantly denied it, but Rory could tell by the look on his face that he was disappointed to no longer be participating in his nephew's life. 

 But how could she change things?  Rory had a good feeling that he would have remained in the city because it was his true home; the city was mysterious and alluring and it reeled Jess back in as an adult when he tried to make a home for himself.  Even if she were to run into him by sheer luck, what would she say?  God, what was wrong with her?  She felt that she should at least give him a reason; but she couldn't, simply because she still didn't know exactly why she had done it.  Whoever was pulling the strings in life, she prayed to that person that she would never have to face him again…not only for his sake, but for hers.  But in her most honest times, she still wondered where she would be if the last five years hadn't happened.  The Rory Gilmore of twenty-one would have secretly confessed that by the age of twenty-eight she would have wished to have her last name changed to one that began with a 'M', but then she would have blushed and looked away.  However, now that she was twenty-eight she still pondered how differently things would have turned out.  But she couldn't help but feel that all of it was history and she had only the future to look forward to.  There wasn't any reason to hold onto the past…it's behind her and what's done is done. 

**AN:**  I've been realizing that I've been doing a lot of narrating in this story, but I guess it's because it's kinda hard to show both their 'real' emotions in conversation.  So, if you don't like reading the long narration—I'm really sorry; but if you do—hey, I'm glad.

And don't forget—if you're interested in the beta reading…please e-mail me.  I would deeply appreciate it…more than you'll ever know.  Thanks.

Side note: In the midst of waiting for FFN to get back up on its feet again, I've already written the next chapter, and I must say that it will definitely push things along considerably and I really like the new chapter, so stay tuned because things are finally really happening!


	5. Mingle

**The Question of Inevitability **

Author: Knowhere

Chapter 5: Mingle

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: Nothing

**AN**:  I really hope that you like this chapter.  It was fun to write and I think it might be the most important chapter so far. Anyways, enjoy and tell me what you think. 

Note:  This is for my amazing newfound beta **Tiffany who is wonderfully meticulous and is amazing in understand the hidden meanings and metaphors. I'm extremely thankful to have you along for the ride in the course of this story, and hopefully more to come. **

Summary: Rory left in search of an answer to the question that she didn't know how to ask.  Now five years later she comes back to the city where she abruptly ended her life with Jess.  Does he have the ability to forgive her?** Literati/**Au/Future Fic

            The door slammed with a clatter of determination.  Today she was going to go out and do something—anything, just as long as she didn't stay isolated in her apartment.  It seemed that since the weekend a couple weeks ago, the one that suddenly brought the onset of memories, Rory had been undeniably depressed.  Even though she had never quite achieved the sense of happiness and freedom as she did five years ago, she still never felt as low as she has for the last couple of weekends.  And this Saturday morning she was determined to go out, get some fresh air, and clear her thoughts.   She needed to gather her wits and concentrate on her work and her other priorities; she needed to get it together instead of falling into a pit that had an ending of staying at home all day talking incoherently to her future cats.  No; Rory Gilmore was going to attack the world with a different outlook—what happens, happens and it's bound to be for a specific reason for her life.

            There was this new coffee house she had passed on her way home a couple of nights ago, but she didn't exactly have the time to go in and take a good look.  But now as part of her new resolution, she was going to try new things and experience new sensations.  Rory was a new woman—a slightly more confident one that now knew that the world offers sorrow on a silver platter to deceive those into believing that the distress is a new face of happiness.  She knew better now, and no one could deny that she became a jaded city dweller that has lived through pain but now looked to life to finally give her a different hand of cards—one that has a positive light with joy dancing along the edges.

            The little bell jingled with delight at the sound of a new customer and it brought a smile to Rory's face, thinking of her past and the many jingles of a certain bell above the door of a specific diner back home.  She marched right up to the counter and ordered herself a cup of their famous original black coffee and sat down in a corner booth, facing away from the door.  She gently swirled in a dollop of cream and watched as the milky white mingled with the jet-black liquid. With delight, Rory observed as the two combined and became one.  She liked that concept; two opposites coming together and finding that differences can be placed aside to achieve one common goal.  It was childish and she knew it; but she liked it and that was just the way she functioned.  Without sipping, she continued to watch and her eyes widened at the thought that maybe somewhere out in the world her opposite was waiting for her—to mingle, to mix, to unite.

---------------------------------------------

            He watched her from the side and from what he could make out, he saw a young woman looking intently into her coffee cup as if she were to try to see into her future.  It amused him and he craned his neck to get a better look, but her hair was blocking the way.  The curtain of chocolate brown obstructed his view of her face, and he, feeling a little bold, decided to go up and strike a conversation.

            He cautiously approached her table hoping that she would notice and give him the silent okay for him to talk to her; but she continued to watch the liquid and it intrigued him even further.   What was so interesting about her coffee?  Was it even about her coffee, or was she lost in her thoughts and it was her unspoken statement that she wanted to be alone?  For a moment he wavered and almost retreated back to his bar stool, but then all of the sudden he felt empowered.  To hell with it—today he was going to be brave and meet this woman.

            He was just close enough for her to listen without him having to talk above the tone of a normal decibel.  "You know, I've heard that if you stare at coffee long enough, it's bound to do some sort of trick."  His voice was carefree and outgoing—it matched his personality.

            She froze and he could tell that her eyes were darting from side to side.  This was his chance.  He had to make it seem that he was friendly without the particular 'I've-been-watching-stalkerish' quality.  This was his opportunity before she looked up to introduce himself.  "Hi, I'm not a weirdo or anything but my name is…"

            Unfortunately before he had the chance to finish, she looked up and he caught her brilliant blue eyes fixate on his warm hazel ones.  Her eyes widened and she whispered, "Ben."

            He offered her an insecure smile and without asking for permission, he pulled out the chair from across her and he plopped down ungracefully.  "Rory."

            She matched his smile with an even more tentative one of her own and she gripped her mug as if it contained her life's worth.  She tried to find a way out, perhaps maybe escape while he wasn't looking but there was something that kept her riveted to her seat.  There was no doubt what the emotion was—it was anticipation, but mostly it was curiosity.  Here in front of her sat Jess's best friend and there was no question in her mind that the two stayed pals to this day.  Both men were as loyal as old dogs and when it came to friends, Rory knew that they both held friendship close no matter what.  She knew that both of them cherished friends as much as anything else valuable in life.  What was she thinking though?  Ben is Jess's best friend, and although she and Ben had grown really close a long time ago, there wasn't any uncertainty where Ben's loyalty was.  It was with Jess a hundred percent, and Rory now looked at Ben with apprehension; she knew that Ben was going to protect Jess like an older brother would and she was slightly scared of what was going to come out of his mouth.

            Ben's warm features went stone cold and yet it held an inkling of ambiguity.  His voice went flat and his eyes darted from every feature of her face to examine her closely.  "Imagine me hitting on you in a coffee shop."  It even amazed himself how much his emotions could turn in such a short period of time.  A minute ago, he was flirtatious and gregarious but now his voice was short and piercing.  

            "Weird, huh?"  Rory didn't know where this was going, but she was willing to let it take her wherever it was meant to go.  She wanted to see how Ben was going to react and she most definitely wanted to know how Jess was doing.  Still, she battled her emotions inside.  Should she explain everything here in the coffee shop to Ben?  She wasn't expecting much, if anything at all, but she was more than willing to see how this was all going to turn out.

            "I didn't think you were still in the city.  I would have guessed that you moved back home or something; I never would have thought that you would be willing to be so close."  'So close to _him' was what Ben really wanted to say, but he carefully sidestepped dropping Jess's name in case she wasn't ready to hear it.  Yes, he was upset at Rory for leaving Jess and causing his best friend pain, but he was still interested after all these years just what the hell happened that night.  Rory was the only one that held the answers and Ben knew just as well as anyone else that this was the golden opportunity to get everything out in the open._

            "I did leave…for a while, actually for the last couple of years.  But I got this job opportunity here in the city and I thought it'd be time for me to come back home."  Rory held her chin high and spoke with confidence, but on the inside she was dying to cut the chit-chat and find out just what was really happening.  She wanted to cut through all the bullshit they were dancing around and get to the real fact, the topic of Jess that neither of them wanted to bring up first.

            "Home?"  His voice dripped with distaste as he heard her refer to New York as home.  She didn't belong here: in this coffee shop, in this city, in Jess's memories.  He cocked his head to the side and looked into her eyes once again.  They were cloudy and he could tell that she had changed.  For better or worse, he couldn't decide but he could tell that she was different.  She wasn't the innocent girlfriend of his college roommate any more; she wasn't the shy ivy-league student that often appeared in the mornings in Jess's clothes with a cup of coffee in her hand reading the morning paper.  She hadn't flashed Ben that brilliant smile that he was accustomed to…this woman had changed and the alterations had hardened her once friendly personality.  But through it all, he could still read her emotions.  Just like Jess, he was an expert in shielding his own feelings but he was excellent in seeing what others felt through expressions and especially through the eyes.  Rory's eyes might be hardened with trials and tribulations but Ben could see her genuine pain and regret that now peered back into his expressionless ones.  He took a deep breath and suddenly realized that Jess wasn't the only one that was hurting.  Ben squinted and then quickly looked away because he suddenly felt like he was betraying Jess—he felt what Rory was feeling and he sympathized with her.  Ben understood that Rory was dealing with her own anxiety and the heavy weight of her past.

            He abruptly softened and his whole body relaxed as he slowly released his breath and whispered.  "He's doing okay."

            Rory's head whipped up and her features reflected her thoughts.  A couple of moments ago she was bracing herself for the onset of questions and lectures on pain before she ever would have thought that Ben would be remotely civil to her.  Rory looked at Ben and found him staring intently back at her.  She knew that he understood and this was his way of being her friend once again—Ben was going to be neutral, he wasn't going to take sides.  The edges of her mouth tugged at her first real smile and her eyebrows lifted as she asked in both eagerness and fear, "He really is doing okay?"

            Ben was pleased to hear her tone—that young, child-like tone that was unique to Rory.  It meant that her defenses were down and they were playing on mutual territory.  It was the terrain that they were going to have to get used to for the time being…the one that didn't have Jess on either side.  "Well, he's doing well in terms of his career.  But if we're going to get all philosophical and delve into his head, I wouldn't classify him as doing 'okay.'" 

            "So he's still living in the city?"

            "Actually he's doing a lot of traveling these days, and I'm back living with him.  Well, actually just with Oliver because he's gone a lot.  I practically have the whole thing to myself."

            Rory was surprised to hear that Jess was traveling.  He never took an interest in it before and it struck her how much time had passed.  She wasn't the only one that changed.  Jess had also matured and she unexpectedly thought that maybe this was a bad idea.  She had no clue who Jess was anymore.  Did he still act the same?  Was he still oh-so serious at times?  Did he still enjoy people-watching on that one particular Central Park bench?  Was he still walking the streets with his shoulders slumped and his hands shoved in his pockets?  She didn't even know the little things, let alone the big details.  She wondered if he used the same cologne that used to drive her crazy; the very same scent that used to linger on her sheets long after he left; the same fragrance that danced on her clothing whenever he cuddled close to her.  "Wow, traveling.  I never thought he'd do it."  Ben nodded and took a sip of his cappuccino.  A short silence hung over their heads as they mulled over their separate thoughts.  Then without warning she questioned, "Who is Oliver?"

            Ben's eyebrow went up at that, and he remembered that Jess had gotten Oliver after Rory had left.  "Oliver is Jess's golden retriever."  He chuckled at her reaction.  It was a mixture of confusion and relief, and then it hit Ben.  He wondered if she was involved with anyone.  At the mention of another name Ben could tell that it put her on the edge, and he could sense that her reactions only meant that she was unattached.

            "A dog, huh?  Oliver…that's a cute name."  She wasn't paying attention anymore.  She wasn't actually thinking about a dog and its unique name.  She was thinking about Jess and the very real possibility of him in a serious relationship.  With her trying to sort out her own feelings, she was very unprepared for the opportunity that Jess may be involved with someone.  She of all people couldn't deny the fact that Jess was a very attractive man—he was alluring and mysterious, the deeply brooding type that she knew girls go wild over…hell, she went wild for him all those years ago.  Who was stopping other attractive single girls from snatching Jess up?

            Ben had lost Rory's attention in the conversation and he knew it.  Was he willing to let Rory know that Jess had been just as alone as Rory seemed to be?  Ben was unsure of whether or not to tell Rory; she still was the woman that broke Jess's heart and pretty much left him a shell of a person for years after.  Jess had been hurt enough in the course of his life and Ben knew that Rory's departure was practically the straw that broke the camel's back.  Jess was different now.  He was even more emotionally closed off than before and Ben couldn't even remember the last time he really heard Jess authentically laugh without fear of the coming of disappointment.

            Was she ready to hear what he had to say to her?  Ben had so much he wanted to spill to her.  Sitting across from him was once his close friend that had helped him out with girl problems; Rory was the girl that had set Ben up with her friends time after time and she had been there for him when he went through break up and heart ache.  She was his other best friend and when she left, Ben couldn't help but feel that she had left him too.  It was hard for him to open up to her fully again; but he knew that he had to, a little, at least because there was still that hope.  That damn hope that he knew Jess held onto…that hope that they would become that happy couple again.  And so for his friend, Ben let out the vital piece of information that both parties were dying to find out. 

            "Rory…it's just me, him, and Oliver.  It's _just us."  That was all that was needed to be said that Ben knew that Rory would catch on quick._

            She sat motionless, her heart pounding so loud that it rang in her ears.  Her blood coursed through her veins mixed with caffeine and…what was that emotion that she was feeling?  Oh yes…it was hope.  It was the same feeling that she had grown accustomed to the first couple of years but then buried it in the midst of forgotten memories in the back of her mind.  She leaned until her back hit the chair with a slight thump.  "Oh."

            "Look Rory, I know this is hard for you.  And I know that you can understand how sitting here with you can be so damn hard for me too.  I love Jess like a brother; you know that I consider him my family and that I'd do anything for him.  He's been there for me and I can't help but feel that I've been there for him too.  Let's just say it, okay?  When you left, it nearly killed him.  I've never seen Jess like that.  He's different now—he's…grown, I guess would be the best term.  I'm not going to say that leaving must have been the easiest thing for you to do.  Back then I felt that you were the second person I knew best in the world, but when Jess showed up at my door in the middle of the night, I knew that it had changed.  You left and I don't personally think that there's anything anyone can do about that.  What's done is done and that's just how it works.  You know that guys like Jess and me don't take happiness at face value; but you were able to make Jess see that there can be something as tangible and real as joy.  Anyways, let's just say that he's changed and I can tell that you've changed too."

            Rory absorbed his statement and it washed over her, every little word hitting her like a shock of reality.  This was the real world and she was living it.  This was really happening and she needed to deal with it.  She sat on the edge of her seat with her shoulders and back straight and silently begged Ben to finish what he had to say.

            "Everything that I've told today is true Rory.  Seeing you might have been the hardest thing I've had to do, so I can't even begin to imagine how Jess would take it if I told him, or hell…if you had seen him instead of me.  Take things slow Rory.  Here's my number at work.  Take a couple of days to breathe and let it sink in that this really happened, then give me a call."  He reached into the back pocket of his dark jeans and withdrew a business card with his name and position for the company.  He carefully slid it across the surface of the table, deliberately avoiding coming in contact with her skin.

            Rory looked at the card with doubt and question.  Was Ben actually saying that she should see Jess?  "I don't understand.  What about everything you just said, Ben?  About how he's different and how he's changed?  I don't think it'd be a good idea for me to see him."  She meticulously averted saying his name.  She still couldn't say his name…she hadn't uttered it for five years, she just wasn't ready to say it.  If she wasn't ready to even do that, how was she going to see him face to face?

            "No Rory.  I'm not initiating a get-together for you and Jess where you can meet him at the top of the Empire State building where you'll be waiting and he'll pop out of the elevator and you two will collapse into each other's waiting arms."  His sarcastic tone crept into his voice and he couldn't help it.  However, even though his voice changed from the soft one he'd been using to the scathing one that was intended to hurt, Rory understood that he was still protective of his best friend.  And she accepted it without any misunderstanding.

            "You owe him an explanation.  At the very least you need to tell him why.  The both of you have been wandering the last few years wondering what the hell went wrong.  I can tell that even after all this time that you want an answer as badly as he does.  But you're the one that can answer his question.  Before you call, figure it out…sort through whatever you need to, and gather the courage to face him because he's been thinking that it's been his fault.  And from the look I see you're giving me, I can tell it's not true."

            Ben was hitting every point on the head and it scared Rory.  She shook her head and began to protest.  "No Ben.  I can't.  Don't you know how badly I want to tell him why?  I don't even know myself."

            He leaned forward to whisper his last words to her.  They weren't meant to comfort her or to hurt her…it was just his honest truth.  "No, I know you have the answer.  I know you're just scared shitless to admit it, but I know for a fact that you have the answer.  It's time that you come clean with him.  He deserves it, Rory…and so do you.  It's time; don't make him wait any longer…it's the least you can do."

            With that he left her thinking about his words.  Did she always just deny the fact that she knew why she had left him because she was afraid to admit it to herself?  Yes.

**AN:**  How was it?  Did I have you thinking even for a second that the man was Jess?  I thought it would be more interesting to have Rory see Ben instead…I think it's less cliché.  Drop a line!


	6. Circle

**The Question of Inevitability **

Author: Knowhere

Chapter 6: Circle

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: Nothing

**AN**:  Not much to say I guess…just thanks for taking the time to read.

**BN:** Ha ha, Tiff…this is for you.  Kept it just for you.  Thanks.

Summary: Rory left in search of an answer to the question that she didn't know how to ask.  Now five years later she comes back to the city where she abruptly ended her life with Jess.  Does he have the ability to forgive her?** Literati/**Au/Future Fic

            She rolled over in her fruitless attempt to sleep.  Giving up with not much determination, she hopped off the bed and padded over to her kitchen to grab a bottle of water.  Pulling the fridge open, she popped open the seal and tilted the liquid to her lips.  It gave her a cooling sensation and suddenly she got goose bumps all over from the chill.  Paying no attention she set the water on the counter, only to find that she missed the edge by a foot, spilling the water all over herself and the floor.  "Shit."  Rory took some paper towels to wipe herself off and then knelt down on the floor to clean up the mess.  And then it hit her.  She stopped her wiping and sat on the kitchen tiles, thinking about how she had spilled her life over the edge.  She had been grasping at the edge only to find that in the end, she still missed the counter.  If only she could stop and let relief wash over her.  She had thought that her feelings would be gone by now…that pain that she had been accustomed to the first couple of years.  But she hadn't counted on it staying this long.  That pain that gripped at her chest when she thought of him.  That pain that gnawed at her conscience every time she was alone, which was quite often these days.  

Leaving the mess for tomorrow, she walked back to her bedroom and slipped under the covers.  She rolled over to her left side, the side that would have been his usual spot, and she buried herself in the pillow.  If she tried hard enough, she could still smell him.  She could still see him turning over to his side to brush a few stray hairs out of her face.  And if that wasn't enough, she could still feel the gentle brush of his fingers across her skin—marking her...a statement that she was his.  With the tears that fell, she felt vacant.

_(Flashback)_

_            The bed shifted and she rolled over to ignore the weight on her side of the mattress.  But unfortunately, he continued to lean over her…hovering, waiting for a reaction.  She gave up on trying pretending that she was asleep and groggily questioned.  "What do you want?"_

_            He whispered into her ear, "You."  He slowly traced the edges of her ear with his tongue and he nipped at the curve of her neck._

_            She whimpered and he grinned.  He won and he liked that feeling of power.  He tried to move off of her to get a better angle of her face, but she refused to let him move.  "Jess…"  She groaned and he chuckled.  Rory always wanted more once he started.  And what kind of a boyfriend would he be if he denied her?_

_            Jess snuggled down into the blanket and reached out to pull her closer to his warm body.  He proceeded to ever-so slowly shower her faces with tender kisses and even though she squirmed to get him to kiss her on the mouth, he resisted and pursued teasing her.  After seven minutes of butterfly kisses, Rory got restless and she rolled over until she straddled him over his hips.  Shocked by her boldness, Jess had a full-blown smirk on his face and then decided to just enjoy what she had in store for him.  Rory leaned down and kissed him hard on the lips while her fingers toyed with the elastic band of his boxers.  He grasped her face with both hands and pulled her down to lay on top of him—their entire bodies touching with not a single inch of space dividing them._

_            She teased him like he was doing earlier and it was literally killing him.  She kissed him forcefully but then eased up on the pressure whenever his excitement was starting to build up.  When he grabbed at her waist in attempt to roll her over, she resisted and pulled back away from his touch.  With a growl he complains, "Rory, you're killing me here.  God, when did you become such a tease?"_

_            Rory chuckled at his hoarse whispered words and she replied.  "Just giving you a taste of your own medicine.  It isn't so fun when you're the one being teased, is it?"  She grinned back seductively and licked her lips in the most tempting way possible._

_            His eyes widened at that sight of her.  "Jesus Christ…a guy can only take so much!"  He flopped back on the bed with a thump and covered his face with his hands trying to regain some sort of dignity._

_            "You just have to say that you give up and I'll be all yours…"  She raised an eyebrow at the challenge and encouraged him to look at her by nudging his hands out of the way with her face._

_            "Fine, fine…you win.  When it comes to you, I'm nowhere near being in control.  Okay?  Is that what you wanted to hear?  That I love you so much that you just drive me crazy?"  Jess couldn't help but smile through his confession because there was no way he was angry at her…it was true—he couldn't control himself when he was around her and that was just a natural fact._

_            "Yes!  I knew I'd win!"  Rory got off of him and did a little victory dance at the foot of the bed when he relinquished power to her.  In the middle of her dance, with her arms flailing and her feet stomping, Jess silenced her by coming up from behind and kissing her neck._

_            "Now that you've won, I think it's time for the prize."  He pulled her back to bed and stopped all of her coherent thought with the movement of his own body…_

_(End of Flashback)_

            Rory could admit without hesitation that she had missed him.  The time spent apart had been lonely but it killed her to be without the comfort of a man.  It wasn't that she didn't have the opportunity with other men, but every time the relationship resembled anything with commitment, she'd back out claiming that she wasn't looking for a serious relationship.  But the truth was that she was looking for something serious, but she knew that she was hoping for what she used to have and not something new.  Yes, it had been hard for Rory to not have someone she could talk to, to relate to, and to share her deepest thoughts with; but the hardest part of the past few years was being without the physical comfort of anyone.  Jess had shown her a world of feelings that she never thought possible and she felt that she would betray him if she experienced those feelings with anyone but him.  Rory was irrational, but no one had made love to her like Jess did.  He was never good with expressing himself with words, especially not in conversation, but he told her all she needed to hear in bed.  When they were together, she understood how much he cherished her by what he showed her with his body.  She loved it, and she missed that mysterious, fluid motion of his body next to hers.

            But was this the knocking of opportunity at the door?  Was this her once in a lifetime opportunity to mend that broken relationship?  Rory needed to prepare herself in the realistic option that he couldn't forgive her and that would be final; but there was still that glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, whispering to her that she might have a shot if she came clean.  But could she handle it?

            She picked up the phone and glanced at the card in her shaking hand.  Uneasily, she dialed the numbers.  "Hello?  Benjamin Fields, please."

---------------------------------------------

            "Ahh…it's good to be home again.  I swear the paper needs to set me up with a hotel that has a functioning shower next time.  I felt like I was camping or something…all dirty and the only way to get clean was to use those wet wipes…I might as well licked myself clean.  It seems to work for you, eh buddy?"

            Of course there wasn't a reply, but Oliver just got up from his comfortable spot on the floor and jumped up on the couch and rested his head on Jess's lap.  With a slight whimper and a nudge of the nose, Jess finally relented and started to scratch Oliver behind his ears.  Satisfied, the dog began to snuggle further into Jess's lap and closed his eyes at the warm sensation.

            Ducking his head to glance at his companion, Jess chuckled at himself.  "Glad to know I still have that magical touch."

            The phone rings, jolting both from the silence and Jess stretches over the mass of brown fur to grab the handset.  "Hello?"

            "Oh, good I caught you.  I was afraid that you'd be out or something."

            "Yeah?  And what would I be doing, huh?"  Jess chuckled and relaxed into the sofa.

            "Well, you know…partying and stuff.  Whatever it is that you young kids do these days."

            "Uh huh.  I'm sorry…do you not know me at all?  I'm crushed, after all these years and I'm just another pretty face at the office to you?  You should really get to know your employees, Rob."

            "Mariano, don't tell me that you're sitting on your ass on a Friday night with a beer and your dog."  He chided Jess knowing fully that his friend was exactly how he described him to be.

            "Whatever.  Did you just call to remind me what a loser I am?  What do you want?"  Both of their tones were light; it reflected their relationship.  They bantered back and forth teasing each other as their form of masculine affection.

            The line went silent for a second longer than it should and Jess suddenly knew what Rob was going to say.  "No, no…Rob, I just got back home yesterday night.  Now I know you'd said this new position was going to have a little more traveling, but this is insane.  Do you know how many times I've been home this month?  Six days…that's it!  And the last time I went for five days without a goddamn shower!"

            "I'm sorry Jess; but I need you to do this.  I'll promise that after this one, you can have some time off.  A paid vacation for a week, okay?  Come on, you know you were miserable here in the city moping all the time.  You owe me; I let you travel the world and on top of it all I gave you a huge raise.  It's only for the weekend and you're going to Canada.  It'll be easy, I swear.  What do you say?"

            Shaking his head, Jess smiled.  "Yeah, yeah.  But I'm taking your word on that vacation.  Don't bullshit me, alright?"

            "Thanks man.  You leave at seven tomorrow morning.  I'll fax over your itinerary and everything you need to know.  Just pick up your ticket in the morning…you know the drill.  Thanks, I really appreciate it Jess."

            "You better."

            They hung up and Jess got off the couch and reached into his closet for his travel bag.  Sighing, he placed in a couple of dress shirts and some jeans and headed over to his bathroom to get his toothbrush and razor.  

--------------------------------------------

            Ben hurried over to the ringing door and opened it to the awaiting person.  "Hey."  His tone was still slightly guarded and he dropped his gaze in apology for his reply.

            "Hi."  Rory stood at the threshold, not knowing what to do.  After much debate with herself, she decided to show up but she didn't know how to act.  This was the big moment and it was swallowing her up.  It had been an internal battle ever since she called up Ben; she didn't have a clue what she was going to do and to simply put it—she was as nervous as hell.

            Ben stood aside in hopes that she'd get the point and step through the door, but when she continued to stare he questioned, "You gonna come in?"

            "Oh!  Um…yeah."  Her hands shook and she tucked her hair behind her ear for the hundredth time.  This was it.  She stepped through and half-heartedly waited for Jess to pop up and start yelling; but she was greeted with silence…nothing but the ticking of the clock on the wall.  And all of the sudden, she felt…disappointed?  No, in a way she was hoping to see his face but she dreaded the moment when she'd have to see those eyes that haunted her for so long.

            Ben had moved over to the small kitchen and he was rummaging through the fridge.  Brandishing a box of juice, he stuck in the straw and walked back to Rory.  "You want one?"  He lifted his eyebrows in question and she shook her head.

            Her head jerked to the bedrooms as the sound of pattering nails echoed throughout the apartment.  Then the friendly pattering became a thundering of paws as the dog caught sight of the newcomer.  Oliver ran straight up to Rory and pawed at her chest while sniffing her purse for food.  Even in the midst of all the tension, she couldn't help but laugh and pet the dog.  "Hey there.  You must be Oliver."  She giggled and kneeled down to properly scratch the dog on the head.

            Ben managed to crack a smile, seeing Oliver taking a liking to Rory.  "I'm surprised he isn't barking.  Oliver doesn't really like a lot of people.  He almost bit the neighbor across the hall when that guy yelled at Jess for stealing his newspaper.  He's really protective."

            "Oh."  Rory got back up on her feet and shouldered her purse once again.  The dog scampered away and the nervousness returned.  With nothing to occupy her hands with, she finally got the courage to look around and take in the appearance of the apartment.  It was clean by any standards, but for a couple of bachelors, it was immaculate.  Rory grinned at the thought that Jess got neater over the years.  She wanted to move around and explore the place, but felt odd doing so without Ben's permission.

            "Look Rory.  I should have called and told you what happened; but then I decided against it."

            He was being cryptic and Rory was beginning to get scared.  Did something terrible happen to Jess when she finally got the nerve to see him?  What if she never got this chance again?  Trying to keep her voice calm she inquired, "What do you mean?"

            Ben smiled inwardly seeing her reaction.  He had purposely left his comment vague so that he could judge how she would react; and to his surprise, he liked how she panicked when it seemed like he was trying to tell her that Jess was hurt.  "He got called late last night to cover a story in Canada.  I didn't know about it until I got home and he left early this morning, but by the time I found out it was too late to call you.  But then I got to thinking…look, I know this is really hard and even though I can see you're trying to look unfazed, I bet you're a mess inside.  So, I was thinking that you could see how Jess was living and that maybe it'd take the edge off a little when you actually see him again.  I don't know…was this totally a bad idea?  Should I have called you instead?"

            She inwardly sighed with relief.  Why was she feeling so grateful that she didn't get the chance to do what she needed to do?  "No, no.  Really, I think this way is better.  Well, it's easier for me anyways.  You're right.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I didn't have anything planned out to say for tonight, except for 'oh you've got a dog and you're traveling, huh?"  She nervously chuckled at herself and Ben offered her a sympathetic smile.  "Um…Ben, do you think I could have a look around?  Could I just have a couple minutes to myself?"

            "Yeah, sure no problem.  I'll be in my room if you need me."  He nodded his head and she was grateful for his acceptance.  She really needed this time to herself.  She began to walk over to the larger room, figuring that it would be his room and she stopped.  The question that had been burning in her ever since she stepped through the door was itching to get out.  "Ben?"

            He also stopped and turned around when she called his name.  He didn't ask her anything but he patiently waited for her question.  Ben could see her chewing her bottom lip and neurotically tucking her hair behind her ears.  He would almost laugh at the sight, if the situation wasn't so serious.  She gathered up her courage and finally spoke up.  "Do you…do you think that he hates me?"

            Rory didn't have the nerve to look at his face when she asked.  What was she hoping to hear?  That everything was alright; that even though she had put Jess through perpetual hell that he still loved her and forgotten about it all?  What right did she even have to stand in his apartment without his knowledge?  She had nothing; she was bare and Rory was taking an extremely blind leap by even asking that.

Ben narrowed his eyes and stared at Rory as a couple of tears spilled over her rosy cheeks.  She really was beautiful and lately he had forgotten why Jess had fallen for her in the first place; but one glance at her, and it came crashing back to him.  But that question…he didn't know how to answer.  He honestly didn't know but he kinda had a feeling about it.  "I'm not sure Rory."

            The tears now rolled down her face as they constantly fell and gathered at her feet.  Her chin was down and she nodded her head without looking up at Ben.  It was just too hard.  "Okay.  Yeah…I just…I don't know what I…never mind."  She backed up and brushed her eyes with her fingertips in an effort to wipe away the tears, but they fell faster as she tried to calm down.  With her hope diminished, she paused to put her emotions back together when Ben interrupted her actions.

            "I think he loves you too much to hate you."

            He caught her by surprise and she backed away from the door once again to look at his face.  "What?"

            Ben ignored her questioned and stated one last fact.  "But I don't know if love is enough for Jess anymore.  He's gotten over it…he's realized that he needs more than just that."

            Nodding her head in a silent acceptance, she stopped to stare at the white door that was blinding her with its oppressive color.  It was pure, clean, simple…it's what she wanted for herself, but being so close to the presence of Jess's room, she no longer wanted that simple life she dreamed of.  Complicated was what she was used to, so with a cleansing breath she twisted the silver door knob.

**AN:** Leave a note…I'd appreciate it.


	7. Blank

**The Question of Inevitability **

Author: Knowhere

Chapter 7: Blank

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: Nothing

**AN**:  Thanks for reading as usual…and in the next couple of chapters, the truth will be revealed.  So look out for it, I'm thinking about three more chapters and then I'll close it.  I've got some ideas for some new stories and I'm excited about starting those.  But as always, enjoy. 

         By the way—thanks Tiff, it was gratifying to hear that those 'plops' as you called them fell so steadily as you beta-ed this. Lol.

Summary: Rory left in search of an answer to the question that she didn't know how to ask.  Now five years later she comes back to the city where she abruptly ended her life with Jess.  Does he have the ability to forgive her?** Literati/**Au/Future Fic

            The room had a clean scent…like detergent and dryer sheets.  In her opinion it was too simple for someone that had such a complicated life.  But maybe that was the point of the room—to be the opposite of life; to mirror what he had always wanted.  The carpet was soft and thick under her shoes and she bent down to slip off her sneakers so she could feel it in between her toes.  She could imagine him sitting on the edge of his bed after a long day and remove his shoes to feel the same carpet under his feet.  Still at the threshold of the room, she glanced around to take in the sight of his life without her.  This was his room; his life and all his current memories are stored in various places in the room.  The bed wasn't made and it was a nice contrast to the neatness of the rest of the home.  The comforter was lifted in one corner were he apparently got out of bed and the two pillows at the head of the bed were rumpled and definitely out of place.  The mattress was covered in the typical bachelor-navy blue and the only items on the bedside table were a sliver digital alarm clock and a small lamp.  She was tempted to look in the bedside drawer, but felt she was already intruding enough just being in the room.  So she left it alone and headed to the adjoining bathroom.  The bathroom wasn't out of the ordinary, just what anyone would expect in any bath.  There was a toothbrush, a bottle of gel, cologne, aftershave, and an electric razor.  But to her, everything was interesting.  Every item was new and never before seen by her eyes; it pained her in a way because she could find nothing that belonged from their life together.  Gently fingering every piece of equipment including the towels that hung on the rack, she turned off the light and went back into the room without disturbing anything else.

            The closet was all that she had left to look in.  She debated on whether or not to slide it open because closets were so personal; however she realized that this might be the only chance she had left to see him so she took a deep breath and opened it to her view.  Organized chaos would be the best term for his closet; his dress shirts hung next to his concert tee-shirts and his leather jacket and winter coats lived along side his various sweatshirts.  She smiled as she recognized most of the tee-shirts, jeans, and sweatshirts.  She recognized a familiar black zip-up hoodie and she touched the fabric to find it still soft under her fingers.  Surprised to still find it in his closet she drew the sweatshirt closer to her and inhaled.  It was a mistake because it brought back all the memories…but at that moment, it wasn't a mistake anymore.  She welcomed the memories and even treasured the wash of pain.  This was the closest she had been to him in a long time and she just stood still with the jacket in her hands.  Leaning to rest her forehead on the sliding closet door she whispered, "God, I miss this."

            And that was it.  She closed the closet, backed out and left the room.  Nothing was out of place but her life was in direct contrast to that stark orderliness of his room.  With no more words or actions, she left the apartment with a silent nod to Ben and went home to think about what she planned to do in the coming week.

---------------------------------------------

            The metal on his small duffel bag landed with a clatter on the flooring and he trudged to the couch and just fell upon it.  For the entire trip he had an odd burst of insomnia and was unable to sleep for the entire weekend; he was exhausted but still he couldn't fall asleep.  His eyes were wide open but he was dead tired inside.  He ran his hands through his hair, thankful that the hotel's showers worked this time, and fingered the stubble that began to grow on his chin.  He knew he needed to shave, but for now he liked that five o'clock shadow look…it made him feel older, experienced, and weathered.  Leaning back on the cushions, he tried to close his eyes for just one second but he heard the key turning in the lock as well as a muffled conversation. 

            "Hold on a second…geez, it's like you've never eaten before."  Jess could hear Ben's distinct voice through the door and he smiled thinking about how Oliver could never seem to get his full on food.  It reminded him of someone else, but before he could delve any further into that, the door swung open and Oliver charged straight at him.

            He happily pawed at his owner and Jess chuckled and ruffled his ears.  "Missed me?  Yeah, I know Ben's not as fun as I am, huh?"  Jess talked as if Oliver could answer him and he laughed as his pet licked his face in happiness.

            Jess then turned his attention away from his dog to question Ben, "Hey man, how's it going?"

            Ben shrugged his shoulders in reply and turned away from Jess's curious eyes.  Ben just couldn't look straight at him; he felt as if he had betrayed Jess by seeing Rory and his emotions were jumbled as he tried to decide on his next move.

            Jess walked up to the kitchen counter and leaned back on his forearms.  "You okay, Ben?"

            Finally turning around and taking in the sight of Jess he knew what he needed to do.  This was his best friend in front of him and no matter what Jess chooses to do—he knew he had to tell him something.  Running his hands over his face and rubbing his eyes he replied, "I don't know."

            "Okay."  Jess could tell that Ben didn't want to talk about whatever was bothering him so he left and returned to his position on the couch.  It was the way that their friendship worked; it was the key element that kept them so close—both men understood to back off when needed and to push at the right time.  And Jess could tell that this was the moment to back off.

            Just as Jess reaches for the remote to turn on the television, Ben appeared in front of him.  He stood awkwardly and fidgeted with his hands.  "Why are you so nervous?"  Jess was starting to get worried because Ben was always calm and collected, so whatever the issue was, it must be big.  

            "Um okay, first of all I know I'm like breaking the cardinal rule of our friendship by bringing this up, but keep in mind that I have a reason for all of this, okay?"

            "What is it that you want to talk about?  You can say anything."

            Ben didn't know what to expect and he wanted to close his eyes to not watch Jess's reaction, but he couldn't help but wonder.  "Okay then…I wanna talk about Rory."

            In less than a split second Jess's eyes went blank and he sat back on the couch to lean on the cushions.  He turned away and tried to focus on something else but all he could do was mutter, "Except for that…"  His eyes then turned glassy and then Ben sat next to him and all he could do was to stare at his shoes.

            "Jess, I know it's an extremely sensitive subject and we haven't so much as brought up her name for the last five years, but I need to know something about her."  Ben tried to sound supportive without being cryptic as to his reasons behind his questioning because he didn't want Jess to ask his motives until he had his answers.

            "Yeah…but you know why I don't want to say anything."

            "I know she broke your heart but I need you to answer my question."  Ben expected Jess to deny the heart-breaking comment, but instead he was answered with silence.

            Jess was fully prepared to run when he heard Ben utter her name, but something kept him rooted to the ground.  He looked away at Ben's last sentence and just licked his dry lips.  "What can I say?  I doubt I can answer any questions…"

            "All I need to know is how you feel about her."  There he said it; now it just depended on Jess's answer.

            After five minutes Jess still sat in silence and Ben was beginning to regret his actions.  He was hurting his friend with the questioning and he felt guilty for bringing it up.  Still in silence, Jess got up and walked to the window where he just looked out with a distant look in his eyes.  "Numb.  That's how I feel."  He nodded his head in agreement with his own statement.

            "That's it?"

            "You know better than anyone that I was crazy about her…if she asked me to join the circus or a boy-band you know that back then I would have done it just because she asked.    But the operative word in that sentence is 'was'…past tense.  After all this time of thinking and wondering…I don't feel anything anymore.  Numb…that is the best word…just nothing."

            "No anger, hate, or rage?  Passion, love, rapture?  God, don't you feel anything?!"  Jess's answers were too ambiguous and Ben couldn't decide on whether to tell Jess of Rory's appearance with an answer of 'numb.'  It didn't tell him whether or not Jess would be willing to see her and that was Ben's only goal from the conversation.

            Jess barely registered the outburst from Ben, and instead he just continued in a whispered tone, "Anger?  Yes, probably at myself for letting her get away.  Hate?  Well, I don't think I could ever hate her no matter how hard I try.  Rage?  I don't even now what went wrong…and I don't have the urge to go out and beat someone up if that's what you mean.  Passion?  I've never been passionate about anything in my life except for her.  Love?  In my memories, yes…but can people stay in love after not seeing each other for such a long time?  I don't think it's possible anymore.  Rapture?  There are nights were I'd give anything just to touch her again.  But then after that, I come to my senses and realize that I'm going insane.  So that's it…"

            Ben was practically speechless.  He had never before heard Jess express himself in such a way that made him physically hurt for his friend.  His emotions were so strongly expressed in his words that Ben didn't quite know how to respond.  "Jess…I never knew…"  He drifted off and wished that Jess would say something in response to his lack of cohesion.  

            "Yeah….well, I just didn't want to bother you with my problems at first because I felt like such a damn fool for falling so hard.  And then after a while, I just got used to not talking about it so much that it was not an issue I would bring up."  He chuckled nervously and it was utterly composed with a lack of humor.  His laughter was dry and coarse…Jess's bitter attempt of making the situation lighter.

            "I didn't know that's how you felt.  I just always assumed that you didn't want to talk about it because it hurt.  You would never be bothering me with talking about it…I've always wanted to help you and I thought that the best way to help was to not talk about what you were going through."

            Jess sadly nodded his head in reply but held no blame for his friend.  In a way, he had wanted Ben to misunderstand his silence so he could avoid the topic without saying the words aloud.

            "I'm sorry Jess.  But I'm here now.  I know we don't do the 'heart to heart' thing often…if even at all, but it's never too late to start, you know?"

            Jess nodded again and sank to the floor.  It was hard, cold, and uninviting but it felt like the most comfortable place in the world to him at that exact moment.  He buried his face into his hands and wondered aloud, "God, when did my life become such a fucking soap opera?  How could I have screwed it up so much?  She was the best thing in my life and it ended so disastrously…the worst thing about the whole situation is that I don't even know when it turned so shitty."

            "Jess, have you ever thought that maybe it wasn't your fault?"  He tried to be supportive.  He was going to let Jess take the conversation wherever he wanted it to go and then tell him the truth behind everything.

            Jess answered shortly and quickly, "No, because it's easier to just blame myself."

            "Do you ever think about how things would be if she never left?"

            "Yeah I do."

            "What do you think about?"  Jess was being evasive with him and Ben sensed that there was more to the story.

            "I would have married her."  He hung his head, preparing himself for the onslaught of emotions that rushed through his blood stream.

            "What?"  Ben couldn't believe his ears…the one guy that seemed to be forever locked in the confines of bachelorhood just admitted that he thinks about marriage was unbelievable.

            "I was going to marry her.  That's right, Jess Mariano, the ultimate loner was actually seriously considering marriage…I thought about it so much that I even bought a ring."  The tone in his voice was so cynical that it even scared Ben to hear it.

            Then without warning, Jess got up and retreated back into his bedroom.  Just when Ben thought that the conversation was over, the door swung open and Jess walked back with a plastic tub.  It was transparent and Ben could identify clothing, letters, and other paraphernalia that obviously belonged to Rory.  Jess sat back down next to Ben to rummage through the box, and when he brandished a small velvet black box, he handed it to Ben.  It opened with a slight creak and it revealed a thick silver band with a few small diamonds encased inside.  Then Ben closed the box back up again and set it down on the coffee table to examine the rest of the contents.  He ran his fingers along sweatshirts and concert tee-shirts along with letters that he didn't dare look at because he knew that they were so private, but in the end his hands wrapped around the little ring box once again.  "How come you never asked her?"

            Jess didn't look at Ben; instead he stared at the black t.v screen.  "It was just never the right timing…at first, I felt that we were too young to commit to something like that…and then later, I just couldn't bring myself to live with the disappointment if she had said no."

             Ben whispered softly, "Oh."

            Right after Ben's response, Jess questioned just as softly in his throaty voice, "Why did she leave?  We were doing so well; there were no signs of trouble until that night.  Was I not good enough for her?  I mean, I was never good enough for her in my standards but she always felt that we were equals.  Do you think I was a bad boyfriend?"

            "No Jess, I don't think you did anything wrong."

            "Yeah well…I guess we'll never know."

            "Jess…I haven't exactly been really honest with you.  There's a reason I asked about her tonight."

            He turned his head and glanced at Ben with wide eyes.  "What are you saying?"

            "I ran into her the other day in a coffee shop and we talked for a while.  One thing led to another and all of the sudden I was telling her how she owed you a reason why; she was reluctant at first but then she called me up at work, saying that she wanted a second chance, or at least a chance to redeem herself.  And then she showed up at the apartment but you had left for Canada and I didn't have the time to tell her not to come.  So she came, she saw the apartment and she left."

            "Huh."  Jess was in shock.  Was there anything he could say?

            "She wants to tell you why she left."

            "Okay."  With one last look at the plastic tub, Jess got up and headed for his room.  There was nothing left to say and he was too emotionally drained to respond.  "How did she look?  Was she okay?"  His tone was child-like and it was heavily filled with emotion…the thickness that Jess couldn't escape whenever he felt that familiar rush of longing.

            "Terrible…she seemed about as okay as you feel right now."

            That damn hope was stirring in Jess again and he felt angry at himself for even thinking about seeing her again.  But then again…he wanted to know why.  His life was changing by the second and he didn't know if he had the courage to take a step back when it took him the entire five years to take one small step forward.  He was finally beginning to feel like he was making progress in starting his life over again and he had nothing left in him to take that painful journey again.  But he knew there was a reason to all of this…there was a reason that Ben ran into her in the city…and Jess was determined to find out that reason.

**AN:**  Okay, it turned out a little different than I originally planned for it to look like, but I'm pretty pleased with this chapter…tell me what you think—I'd love to hear from you.


	8. Transmit

**The Question of Inevitability **

Author: Knowhere

Chapter 8: Transmit

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: Nothing except for Ben—yep, he's mine.

**AN**:  Sorry for the delay.  This chapter was hard to get out and I stumbled onto some writer's block, among other things.  But as always—enjoy.

**Kimlockt: Even if you never see this message, may people know that you are an amazing writer and that I highly admire your work.**

Summary: Rory left in search of an answer to the question that she didn't know how to ask.  Now five years later she comes back to the city where she abruptly ended her life with Jess.  Does he have the ability to forgive her?** Literati/**Au/Future Fic

            He dragged the laundry bag behind him and stopped at his usual machine.  Reaching into his pockets, he brandished several quarters and slipped them into the slots one at a time.  Doing laundry became a practiced routine for him; he liked the effect it gave him.  The entire process calmed him in a way that was indescribable for others.  He would separate his clothes then wait for them to wash while to sat on the hard plastic chairs.  Instead of bringing along a book, which has become the norm for his entire life, he chooses to do nothing but sit and think.  He just watches the clothes spin in the washer and then in the dryer and it gave him a sense of complacency being able to watch the cleansing process.

After shoving in the last pair of jeans he backed up to sit down and ponder on his thoughts, however his eyes caught the sight of a young woman across the laundry mat.  Glancing at her, he stopped and watched from a distance; she was pretty in a conventional way—nothing out of the ordinary or breathtaking.  Her slightly wavy brown hair partially covered her face as she leaned down to take her clothes out of the dryer, and he could see her pursing her lips as she meticulously folds the clothing into an orderly stack.  He leaned on knees with his elbows and sat still as he remembered a familiar memory that seemed so fresh in his mind, and yet at the same time seemed like a million miles away.

_(Flashback)_

_            The coolness of the air conditioner hit his face and he softly sighed at the gentle brush against his hot skin.  The door closed softly behind him and he quickly headed over to the elevator.  He knew for a fact that she would be home doing some last minute packing.  He knew her like a book—her every action, movement, and decision was like routine to him.  There wasn't a thing she did that didn't register to him as familiar.  And yet, to him, everything she did was exciting—every time she would spark up a conversation, every time she rolled over and molded herself into his body, every time she failed to successfully make a meal—to him, everything was fresh and exhilarating.  He couldn't imagine himself becoming bored with her and he couldn't see himself being alone anymore now that he had experienced being with her.  _

_With his hands shoved into his pockets and his usual slouch, he waited patiently as the lift rose to the fifth floor and he walked the short distance to the small apartment.  He could pick out the loud music coming from behind the front door, and he quietly unlocked the door with his key and slipped inside without her knowing it.  It was __two o'clock__ in the afternoon and her plan was to be in Stars Hallow by six that night.  He was supposed to meet her at the diner for diner but he had arrived back in the city earlier than planned, so he decided to surprise her instead._

_            The bedroom door was partially opened and he could distinguish the many articles of clothing strewn about the room; pants, shirts, and jackets were all over the room in chaos with her in the middle of it all, standing in front of her closet, standing on her tip-toes trying to reach the top shelve._

_            Walking up, he playfully greets her.  "Need some help Miss?"_

_            Quickly spinning around and screaming in shock, she yelps, "Holy crap, what the hell?!"_

_            He smirks at her while she takes a moment to compose her racing heart.  In a split second, a full-blown smile erupts on her face and she throws her arms around him in a fierce hug.  "Hey you!  Your plans changed."_

_            "Disappointed?"_

_            "Nope, now you can help me pack or better yet, you can do it for me."  He chuckles at her child-like request and he captures her lips in a powerful kiss that reveals how much he had missed her from the week they were apart.  She moans and he relishes the fact that he can elicit that kind of reaction out of her so quickly.  She immediately tries to gain control by running her hands over his chest and resting them under his tee-shirt, just above his hip bones—holding him and stroking the skin beneath her fingertips.  _

_            "Rory…the packing…"  He trails off as she captures his lips once again and begins to earnestly tease him with her hands and lips._

_            "Later."  They tumble onto her messy bed, tangled in each others arms and legs and he rolls over, landing on top of her while he takes the moment to enjoy the view of her beneath him—watching and waiting for what he had in store for her._

_(End of Flashback)_

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The elevator was silent as it continued its ride up to the planned destination and he waited alongside his duffel bag with his clean clothes as the lift paused to pick up another passenger.  "Laundry night, eh Jess?  What, no party tonight Son?"

            "Nah, just having a night in, Mr. Hastings."

            "Why waste a perfect Saturday evening?  Go out and have fun…seize the day while you're still young and able to do things.  Don't wait until you're an old guy like me."

            "Sure thing, Mr. Hastings.  See you later."  The elevator door closed behind Jess and he nodded slightly to the elder resident who had always taken a liking to him.  Mr. Hastings was friendly and always quick to dole out his words of wisdom; at first it was unnerving to Jess to have someone always give out advice to him, but then he learned to take those words to heart and put them to action.

            Jess shifted the bag to his right hand while he fished for his keys in his pocket.  Not paying attention to his front door down the hall, he jingled his coins and whistled tonelessly as he searched for his house keys.  Finally coming up successful, he fingered the right key and lifted his head to look up.  There was someone crouched at his front door with a curtain of brown locks surrounding her face—burying her, sheltering her from the world.  He paused in shock but he hid his surprise and just asked in an even tone, "What are you doing here?"

            She scrambled to her feet from her position on the floor and looked down at her shoes in fear that she was imagining him standing in front of her.  "To be honest…I really don't know."

            He forgot all about opening his door and just stared straight ahead at her face.  For five years he hadn't seen the face in front of him right now; for five years he had spent nights laying wide awake in bed wondering what she was doing and what she looked like.  He had often wondered if she had changed her appearance, but with one single sweep of his gaze, he could see that physically—nothing had changed.  She looked a little more tired and weary and her eyes didn't have that blue sparkle, but she didn't change much.  At least on the outside.  He suddenly felt extremely weak and he dropped his bag and sunk to the floor with a thud.

            She nodded in silent acceptance and also dropped back down to the floor and crossed her legs in a typical Indian style.  He subconsciously matched her position and she stared at her hands while he couldn't take his eyes off of her.  It bothered her that he was staring so intently, but she knew that it was his own way of trying to get a handle of things.  She had the time to get use the fact that he was living in the city and to his lifestyle, but he hadn't had that same privilege of getting an inside look on her life like she had on him.  He needed his time and although his gaze was burning a hole straight through her, she didn't comment on it because she understood that she had no right to ask him to stop.

            He wanted to run.  Badly.  It was instinct for him but he also wanted to stay.  Badly.  The situation was a double edged sword—on one hand, he wanted to leave and forget he ever saw her face; but on the other hand, he wanted to hear the reason.  That one reason that held him firmly planted to the ground also made her want to burst into tears at the sight of him.

            She finally got the courage to look at his face and she slowly brought her gaze up to match his.  Their eyes locked and she tried her best to read them but failed.  His brown eyes were dull and empty, but at the same time, they reflected a million emotions.  Anger, confusion, longing.  They were all there—wanting desperately to be understood by the woman that sat in front of him.  She was there for a mission and so she broke the ice.  "So…this is where you live, huh?"  Her voice was barely above a whisper but he heard her loud and clear, like a foghorn in a dark night.

            "Yeah, this is home."

            "It's nice."  Their conversation was going nowhere and it began as a dead end, but at least they were talking now.

            "Yeah."  But that was it.  Their talking ceased and both turned to listen into each other's breathing.  It was rhythmic and it followed a pattern until he abruptly got up and unlocked the door.  He didn't invite her in but he left the door open, so she took that to be her invitation.

            He walked into the apartment, not caring about the noise he made when he dropped his bag or the clatter that bounced off the walls as the shut the fridge door after grabbing himself a bottle of beer.  Her, on the other hand, walked in timidly without a sound and stood awkwardly at the junction of the kitchen and the living room.  He passed her on the way to the couch and she followed his lead and sat on the chair opposite the couch where he perched.  He tilted the bottle, needing that drink more than he had ever needed one before; it calmed him as the liquid passed from his lips to his throat and he occupied his fingers as they picked at the label.

            Once again she broke the silence.  "So I guess Ben told you about what's been happening."

            "Yeah."

            "Yeah…"  She repeated his statement but trailed off into the abyss of silence once again.  The silence was unnerving and comforting at the same time.  It intimidated her because she didn't have a clue what was going through his mind, but it was consoling to be able to sit in his presence once again.  She didn't know what to say so she said the first thing that popped into her mind.  "You look good…I mean, it looks like you're doing good, right?"

            His eyes flickered to hers for a moment and then back down again to the floor.  His cynical chuckle escaped his lips and she recognized the sound.  "Yeah well, looks can be deceiving."  

            "Oh…"  It was time to get to the point.  She was torturing the both of them by dancing around the topic and it was unfair to him.  "Listen Jess, I want you to know that I'm not here to hurt you or anything, it's just…"

            He cut her off swiftly, "It's a little late for that statement, isn't it?"

            That silenced her quickly and she ducked her eyes.  "Ouch."  He looked away, ashamed for his comment and yet the anger brewed beneath the surface.  She looked back up and regained her composure.  "I guess that was well deserved."

            That surprised him.  In the past, the Rory Gilmore he knew would had been disheartened at his curt response but this woman who sat in front of him had a new sense of self-esteem.  It impressed him to see her be able to pick herself up again even though he had just shot her down—and now; he was more intrigued than ever to stay.

            "What I meant to say, was that I'm not here to cause any more problems.  And I know that I don't have the right to be here right now, but when I ran into Ben and he gave me that lecture of his…well, he made me realize that I owe you at least an explanation.  I realize that I owe you a hell of a lot more than that, but it's the one sure thing that I can give you."

            He listened to her and then all of the sudden he spoke up, startling them both.  "You're different, you've changed."  His voice sounded nostalgic and regretful.

            His odd statement made her pause for a second.  "Yeah well, you've changed too.  I guess it's the one thing you can't avoid—change."

            And then all of the sudden the anger that was hiding came into full view.  Something had snapped and his calm and cool exterior betrayed the emotions that he had hid so well.  He was angry and he couldn't stop the words from escaping.  "Rory, let's just cut to the chase.  Why don't you just say why you left?  Okay?  Why don't you just reinstate the fact that the small state college kid wasn't good enough for the big-time ivy-leaguer?  Why don't you just say it and get it over with so you can go back to your fairy tale life and go drink a cup of coffee and call it a day?  Another thing you can check off in your life-list—tell the guy who was so fucking desperately in love with you the reason that you left without a word."  He hadn't meant to say that last statement.  It revealed too much—much more than he had ever wanted anyone to know, but he just couldn't help it.  Five years of bottling up emotions was taking a toll on him, and this was the way it was escaping.

            She was stunned.  Was that truly what he had been thinking for all those years?  That he wasn't good enough for her?  God, she wanted to just curl up and die.  It was bad enough that she had to leave the man that she loved, but hearing him say those words was like a knife to her heart.  "God Jess, when did my life become so screwed up?  I can't believe that's what you think."

            His chest was heaving from his burst and he sat back down as he heard her declaration.  "What?"  His whispered, not trusting his voice for fear that he would break down.

            The tears ran steadily as she buried her face in her hands.  She was choking on her own tears; they ran hot down and over her cheeks—burning her and barely giving her a chance to catch her breath.  "You were everything to me, Jess.  Everything that meant something had to do with you and it scared me how much I depended on you.  I was so afraid of being without you that it dawned on me."  She paused.  He was staring straight at her once again—begging her silently to continue.  "I realized that it seemed that I couldn't be without you.  It was like, we weren't even two different people anymore.  It felt like we were just one person—so deeply encased and deep into one another that it scared me."

            "I don't understand.  What are you trying to say?"

            "The night before, well…"  She didn't want to say it.  She didn't want to say aloud 'the night before I left.'  He got the idea and she continued.  "I remember asking you what I would do without you.  And it frightened me because I felt that I couldn't exist without you.  As if I couldn't live, literally live, without being with you."

            He finally got the idea and he couldn't decide whether the truth was better or worst than what he had believed to be the truth all those years.  "It looks like you're doing fine without me.  Congratulations, you succeeded—you can live without me in your life."

            "I wouldn't exactly call what I've been doing living.  More like merely existing."  

            "After five years you basically show up out of nowhere to tell me that you just got fucking scared?  That's the reason you left; because you had some sort of screwed up dawning of your conscience?  You know what the ironic thing about all of this is?  Every time I got scared and had that urge to run from us, I never went through with it because I would come to realize that I couldn't put you through the pain of such a bullshit excuse of leaving.  Back then I didn't think I could live without you either, Rory.  But I had thought that it was more of a flattering comment, not something that makes person want to run away."

            "I never said that it was a good reason…it's just the truth."

            "Yeah well, you've said it—it's done.  You happy now?"

            "Happy?  You're not the only person who's hurting, Jess.  I totally realize that everything was entirely my fault, but I'm not exactly jumping for joy.  I haven't been able to fully sleep at night because of the guilt that eats me up alive.  And I can't even be with anyone else for more than two weeks without thinking that I'm somehow betraying you even though I haven't seen your face for years."

            "Oh, I'm sorry I'm putting such a crimp in your dating life."  His tone was low and dangerous.  His eyes flashed with anger and disappointment.  

            "That's not what I meant.  Don't twist my words."

            "Dammit Rory!  What the hell do you want from me now?"  His voice rose so loud that it echoed throughout the apartment.

            She matched his tone and also elevated her voice.  "I don't know!  But I know that being without you is just pure hell and that I'm sick of wondering what you're doing or where you are, practically every moment I'm alone.  I'm sick of wondering how much you hate me and I'm sick of the fact that the only way I can see your face is through old pictures."

            "What are you trying to say?"  His voice returned to its normal decibel after her confession.

            "I don't know."  She spoke barely above a whisper.

            "Then I can't help you."  He got up off the couch and walked towards the door.  He opened it and then turned back to face her.  "I think it'd be better if you just left now."

            It wasn't a request, it was a command and she nodded.  Heading for the door she departed without another word.  She continued and waited patiently for the elevator to arrive.  Stepping inside she breathed in deeply and pushed the button for the ground floor.  She did it and that was it.

**AN:**  Okay, so it didn't really play off exactly as I had planned.  I had started this story with pretty much one definite thing—the reason behind the departure.  And for some reason, I never saw myself writing it like that but what the hell.  It's an AU and they've grown up—they've matured and finally both of them realize what can actually happen in the real world.  I hope that this chapter was at least some sort of surprise for you; that is my only goal—to have a reason that the average person would not foresee.  The next chapter will be the last and that's it.  **Tell me what you think—tell me anything, this chapter would be the one chapter that feedback is highly requested. **


	9. Interlude

**The Question of Inevitability **

Author: Knowhere

Interlude

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer:

**AN**:  Okay, this is to serve as a big apology to the delay in the coming of the last chapter.  This I hope can wet your appetite for at least a week or so until I can finish up this story.  Believe me; I want to see an ending to this as badly as you do. Again, I am so sorry and I hope you will look out for the new chapter—the last installment of this story.

Summary: Rory left in search of an answer to the question that she didn't know how to ask.  Now five years later she comes back to the city where she abruptly ended her life with Jess.  Does he have the ability to forgive her?** Literati/**Au/Future Fic

            "Hey man."  Jess softly closed the door behind him with the gentle click of the deadbolt.  

            "God Jess, where the hell have you been for two weeks?!"  Ben was caught off guard with his friend reappearing in the middle of the night.  For two weeks, he hadn't heard from Jess.  There hadn't been a phone call, an email, or any kind of word to let him know that his friend was still alive.  Ben had came home one night to find the apartment empty; at first, he was happy because it had meant that Jess was out and actually doing something, but after the next day and he still hadn't returned, he had gotten worried.

            "I had to write a story."  He was exhausted from his trip; not only was he jet-lagged, but he had been unable to sleep ever since he left.  His whole body ached with pain and he wanted nothing but to be able to close his eyes and forget about everything around him.

            "You had to write a story?  Do you have any damn clue how worried I've been about you?  You just left without a word…you just disappeared!"  Ben was getting increasingly irritated at how detached Jess seemed at the whole situation.

            "Not now, Ben.  Now is not the time for a lecture."  Jess practically growled at his roommate.  His voice was dangerously low and it betrayed all the anger and frustration he was feeling inside.

            "Like hell it is.  I've been calling around.  I talked to Rob and he said that your assignment only lasted for the weekend, and then I just became this psycho who continually called your cell phone but it's been turned off."  

            "Fuck you Ben.  You have no idea what I've been through."  With that harsh and stinging statement, Jess retreated back into his room. 

            Ben just stood speechless in the middle of their living room.  He stared at Jess's bedroom door as if he expected him to come back out and tell him what was wrong.  But Ben knew better than that—he knew not to expect such childish endeavors.  Ben still continued to watch in silence as Oliver padded up to Jess's door and scratched on the surface to let him know that he wanted in.  And as Jess cracked open the door to let him in, he suddenly realized what had happened.  Ben shot Jess a concerned glance at their eyes met briefly, but Jess shut the door once again as soon as Oliver entered.

            Knowing that there's was nothing further he could do, Ben retreated back to his own room and shut the door just as quietly as Jess had done a few moments ago.

----------------------------------------------

            "So, I made the mistake of forgetting that my skin and glue doesn't mix well, and I think I might have super glued my palms together…"  Lorelai pushed the bedroom door awkwardly with her elbows and found her daughter furiously typing at her laptop.  "Anyways, so do you think they'll still crown my Miss Universe even if I can't do the beauty queen wave?"  After a moment's pause, Lorelai tried again, "Rory?"  Still no response.  "Rory, Sugar, Baby?"

            "Huh?"  Rory didn't look up instead she seemed to have increased the speed of her fingers.  Her hair fell and covered her face but she didn't take the extra time to take her hands off the keyboard to tuck it behind her ears.

            Lorelai came up from behind and nudged her with her elbows, "Hey Honey…I know I fed you a lot of coffee this morning, but you're scaring Mommy."

            "Do you know that I have less than two weeks to finish this big assignment?  I mean, two weeks!  Do you know how many days that is?"  Lorelai began to open her mouth to reply but Rory cut her off by the string of words that tumbled out.  "Fourteen days!  In exactly three hundred and thirty six hours, I'm going have to email this report in.  And do you know how much I have written?  One page!  That's it.  And that's one page doubled spaced; at the rate I'm going, I'll have to work constantly with no time left for sleep.  How come we don't live in a world where a day is at least thirty five hours?!  I need those extra hours!"

            "Rory!  Rory!  Snap out of it!"  Lorelai bumped into her with her forearms and tried to stop the typing.  "You can finish the article in less than six hours which means that you have three hundred and thirty left to admire how beautiful I am and probably still have time to go shopping for some new shoes."

            Rory ignored her and continued to type away.  "Mom, just go out or something.  Quit bugging me."

            "Okay that's it.  You stop right now!  As your Mother, I am telling you that you have to stop typing."  Rory paused and tipped her head up to look at her mom.  "Seriously Rory, what's up with you?  I haven't seen a melt down like this since the time you overslept on final day in college."

            "I'm not having a melt down I just don't think I have enough time to complete my work, and my work is very important to me…very!"  She pounded her fist like a five year old against the desk and looked defiantly up at Lorelai.

            "Rory, not that I don't enjoy your constant presence for the last week but is something wrong?"

            "Nothing's wrong, why would you think that something's wrong?"

            "Rory, come on…under all this pretty face, I'm actually pretty intuitive; I'm your mother, I know when something's wrong."

            "Mom…please just leave me alone."  Rory was pleading in her tone, she sounded like she was young again and it broke Lorelai's heart to just hear her daughter so regressed. 

            "Did something happen, babe?"

            "Mom, I can't do this all over again…I just can't do this again to him."  Rory lifted herself out of her chair and climbed over to the bed next to Lorelai where she laid her head in her lap.  Then, Lorelai did what she knew how to…she just let her daughter cry, and she was there to listen to the sporadic burst of words that poured out of Rory's mouth—words of regret and of the pain that was coming.

**AN:** Don't forget to look out for the last chapter!


	10. Chimera

**The Question of Inevitability**

Author: Knowhere

Chapter 10: Chimera

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: Nothing's mine, except for the original characters of Ben and Oliver.

**AN:** Words cannot do justice to the length of time I've subjected this conclusion to.  I'm so very sorry for the delay, but the rush for college applications have begun and on top of the stress of the looming doom of essays and recommendation letters…I've been seriously hit with the worst case of writer's block.  I know it's like I've been in a coma, but this ending was constantly on my mind and I wanted to give you the best ending I could possibly give—not just some crap conclusion to wrap things up.  I'm sorry for the wait and I hope that this is fairly satisfying.  Enjoy.

Summary:  Rory left in search of an answer to the question that she didn't know how to ask.  Now five years later she comes back to the city where she abruptly ended her life with Jess.  Does he have the ability to forgive her?  **Literati**/AU/Future Fic

            The silence was deafening; it pounded in his head and it was unrelenting to loose as it battled the headache that tingled every nerve in his body.  He sat up in the dark and drew his legs up to his body until his knees hit his chest.  He felt so young all of a sudden…he felt like that little kid who would dream about when his daddy would come back for him.  At that moment, Jess Mariano, a grown man of twenty-eight felt like he was still waiting by the window secretly late at night, wishing upon the night stars that he would have his picturesque family once again.  And then he remembered how those late nights of wishing turned into sleepless nights that plagued his mind with thoughts of rejection and especially of his inability of commitment.  Yet again, Jess sat up in bed thinking about those many restless nights and this one was just another drop in the bucket.

            How had this all come to be?  All he had wanted was to move on; to forget about everything that happened and just escape that pain.  He was making progress too—he had a new kind of job, and a relatively new connotation tacked onto his name.  People at work and those around him no longer looked at him like that loser kid people used to think he was; he finally held respect in a stranger's eyes as a man who knew what he wanted and was out to get it.  But to be truthful, he didn't know what he wanted.  On one hand, he desperately wanted to find her and to just kiss her and forget about everything that had passed between them; but on the other hand, his pride and his weariness prevented him from seeking her out. 

            God, he was tired.  He turned his head and observed the offensive blinking red numbers that silently screamed 4:35 AM at him.  Jess rubbed his face with the heel of his hands and threw the covers off of him.  Jumping into the shower stall, he twisted the knobs and listened as the pipes gently rattled.  The hot water rushed out and poured over his aching muscles.  He stood still in the shower and braced his arms on each side of the walls, supporting his weight fully on those tiles.  He felt utterly defeated.  Everything that once held true in his life had now abandoned him and left him to the wolves.  There was nothing he felt that he could do to change anything and he was just so exhausted from the fight.  The wall that shielded him from every emotion, good and bad, was begging to be crumbled.  But that wall had taken him years to rebuild and inside, he just didn't know if he could survive without that odd sense of protection.

            As the water began to run cold, he quickly dressed and dried his hair and hurried out the front door.  The elevator seemed impossibly cramped, even though he was its only passenger, and he didn't even know where he was going as he pushed the door open and stepped into the world that felt like a complete limbo to him.  The hour was strange and his environment seemed to be different.  The streets around him were relatively deserted for New York City and he felt out of place, as if he was just waiting for someone to notice that he didn't belong.  And at that particular moment in time, he felt like nothing made sense.  So he did the one thing that he knew…he just started to walk.

            He didn't even remember how long he had been walking…thirty minutes, maybe an hour?  But he was vaguely aware that his feet were aching and he was beginning to feel the effects of the winter chill.  Mother Nature wrapped its piercing breath around him and he desperately needed to stop.  He walked up to a diner that seemed to be vacant but its warm lights called out to him and he pushed open the door with his gloved hands.  He noted that despite its early hours, the diner had quite a few patrons sitting in various booths and tables.  However, as his intense gaze swept around the small establishment, he couldn't ignore that familiar figure that sat hunched over a cup of coffee and a piece of pie.

            Jess couldn't understand why he was walking towards that booth.  Was it an illusion; was this all a dream?  Or was it simply the fact that this had to be done and there was nothing he could do to change his fate?  Nevertheless he approached.  He quietly crossed the few steps that separated them and by the time he reached the end of the booth, he stopped and waited to be noticed.

            The chestnut brown hair lifted as she saw a pair of shoes appear in her sight.  She didn't recognize them and quickly dismissed them as the waiter looking to refill her coffee; so instead, she just pushed her cup towards the body and didn't fully lift her head to look at the person.  To her surprise, she didn't hear the sound of coffee being poured from the container and into her cup, instead she heard the person take a sip and replace it back onto the table.  She finally looked up and began to scowl for such odd behavior when she realized who it was that stood in front of her.

            "Hey."  His voice was still that same husky sound that resonated in her ears late at night.  She heard it years ago whispered into her ear as he told her secrets only for her to hear, and also as he also told her fanciful stories that used to lull her to sleep.

            She could barely respond.  "Hi."

            He plopped down rather ungracefully and yet it was silent.  Even in the slightest actions, he held an aura of mystery.  "Do you mind if I join?"  The question was unnecessary and out of place since he had already sat down before he asked her.

            She shook her head and averted her eyes, not knowing what to do or to think about his sudden appearance in the diner.  She continued to watch with curious eyes as he lifted his hand and ordered a cup of coffee.  She was about to ask what he was doing here but she reconsidered when he seemed to be locked in some sort of trance.  He shifted his weight from side to side and he lifted his arm so that his entire forearm rested on the edge of the booth.  The just sat for the next half hour without a word spoken between them, they used the time to get used to each other's presence once again.  The air swirled around them as a noiseless companion and each took turns sipping their coffee at intervals of time.

Abruptly, his eyes turned glassy and he didn't fully look at her even as he began.  "Do you remember the time when I broke my arm?"  A silent nod from her egged him to continue.  "Yeah, it hurt like hell and I couldn't do anything because it was my right arm.  For those couple of weeks I had to learn how to rely mostly on my left arm to do everything that I couldn't.  I remember how it would hurt so much in the morning that I couldn't even put on my clothes.  And when I had to shower, well…"  He didn't continue.

            She on the other hand finally spoke up.  "I wrapped your cast in plastic bags and tied it up with rubber bands.  I bugged you constantly about not getting it wet."

            A soft, nostalgic smile crept up on his face and he nodded.  "Everything had to be switched for those couple of weeks.  We even had to switch which side of the bed we slept in because my arm kept on getting in the way.  You would roll over and hit my arm; after a couple of times I remember you getting up in the middle of the night to switch everything.  I think you might have even made a list of things to switch the next morning, just in case you'd forget anything."  A slight chuckle escaped and he suddenly swallowed it.

            He could internally feel a little piece of brick being chipped away at his wall.

            "You couldn't even type."

            "And I had that big presentation to make in front of the editor.  You stayed up until five before that morning typing my notes for me.  You saved me; I would have never gotten that promotion if it wasn't for you."  He gently smiled once again but his eyes were cold and unemotional.  They still didn't reveal anything and she didn't know what to conclude.

            "It was nothing."  She felt uneasy taking his compliment.  She owed him too much for him to be awarding her a praise such as that.

            Silence dawned upon them for the next couple of minutes as both just sat and sipped their respective cups.

            "I sprained my ankle last year.  I slipped on a patch of ice outside of my apartment building."  He curled his toes at the thought; it still presented a dull, aching pain every time the weather suddenly turned cold.

            Her eyes were wide and anticipating.  What was he doing? 

            "I suddenly remembered how alone I actually was when I had to take care of myself with that sprained ankle."

            She bit the inside of her lip just to stop the onslaught of emotions that coursed through her body.  She felt so regretful even if that wasn't his intention.  She barely remembered the last time that he spoke so candidly in front of her; and she knew for a fact that the times he had done it were very rare.  For an outsider observing the conversation, it wasn't anything out of the ordinary but she knew that he didn't like showing visible signs of weakness—past and present.

            His whisper was strained and it remained thick in his throat even as it left his lips.  "Rory…"

            "Yeah?"  She held a hopeful tune.

            The spell was broken.  Something had changed—he changed.  He transformed into a sullen man right before her eyes.  "God what the hell am I thinking?  What am I doing here?"

            "Jess, what is it that you want me to say?"  She didn't intend to be scathing with her statement, and she wished that he didn't misunderstand her.  She only wanted to truly know what was going wrong.

            He bowed his head, full of sorrow and regret.  What had he wanted to hear from her?  Or had he even wanted to hear anything from her?  From their last visit, he knew that she was riddled with guilt and remorse and her apology was reiterated again and again—it was him that needed to say something to her.

            He licked his dry lips and shifted his eyes.  Then slowly, he brought his stone cold eyes and met her equally cool ones.  Icy russet mixed with arctic cerulean.  As he began his silent confession, she narrowed her eyes to match his own weary ones.  "Rory…I've missed you so much."

            A lump formed and caught in her throat.  "What?"  She was so close to crying that they brimmed in her eyes and she could see the build up of tears that clouded up her vision.

            "I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have said that."

            She instantly regained her composure and insisted with a persistent nod that there was nothing to be sorry about.  In fact, she knew that she had been keeping a fairly fresh secret from him.  But was this the chance to tell him?  Is it what she really wants anyways?  "Jess, you don't have anything to be sorry about.  The way things happened a couple of weeks ago, I just assumed that you hated me."

            He hung his head.  "I never hated you."  He paused, still unwilling to look at her.  And then he mumbled and she was uncertain whether or not he meant for anyone to hear.  "Believe me I tried, I just couldn't."

            "Jess, what you just said about how you've missed me…do you mean anything by that?"

            A bitter chuckle escaped.  "You've got to be kidding, Rory."  He was back to old sarcasm.  "I've just told you one of the hardest things I've ever had to say and you think that I didn't mean anything?  Yeah, it meant something.  It means that I'm still angry that all this time you kept the real reason hidden from me so that your ego wouldn't take a bruising while I take five years to wrap my head around the idea that it was all my fault.  Jesus Rory!  I just came back one night and you were crying and when I tried to help, you just got up and ran.  So yes, I can't deny the fact that I've missed you.  We were together for so many years, how could I not miss you?"

            "I know you're still angry and you have every right to be, it's just…"

            "Just what Rory?"  He wanted to hear what she had to say.

            But she just couldn't seem to formulate the correct words.  "The other day in your apartment, you asked what I had wanted…"

            "And you didn't answer me.  That's one thing that never changed…you still don't know what you want because you never make up your own mind."  His tone was scathing and it hurt him to say it just as much as it hurt her to hear it.

            For once, she instantly defended herself and forgot her original purpose.  "That's not fair and you know it Jess.  Yes, I'll admit it; in the past when I was younger I let people help me make important decisions but that was because those people were important in my life.  They were my family."

            "I guess I wasn't all that important to you then, huh?"  It struck a nerve that she had the guts to say such a thing.

            "Don't play those games with me.  I didn't say that and I've never felt that way.  You were very important to me Jess.  You were the one person that was so important that I was so scared of disappointing."

            "Really?  You sure had a funny way of showing affection then."  He covered hurt with sarcasm and it has annoying her and he knew it.

            "God Jess!  Can't you ever be serious and have an adult conversation without your irritating comments?  I've already told you why I left.  I'll say it again if that makes you happy, but yes, I admit that I made a mistake.  I've spent the last couple of years regretting that mistake.  I don't know why I did it but by the time I realized what had actually happened, it was too late to change things."

            He looked her dead in the eyes.  "You always told me that it was never too late to make changes.  There's something else you haven't told me."

            "There isn't.  You're just imagining things."  She was stubborn; they both were.

            They broke eye contact and she suddenly felt cold without the weight of his gaze.  "I can't do this anymore Rory.  I can't keep running into you or have you show up at my doorstep to ease your conscience.  I can't just keep learning bits of information when I damn well deserve to know everything.  I just can't…"  His voice cracked and she peered up through thick eyelashes at his face.  The angular contrasts of his jaw with his cheek bones made him look younger than he really was.  But one look at his eyes and she saw that they radiated years that he didn't need to weather.  "I can't keep rehashing the past with you.  I've finally been able to move on, even though it's the smallest step I've ever taken, it's still a step and it hurts to see me moving backward.  I don't want that."

            Tears spilled over her cheeks and droplets mixed with her black coffee.  She mouthed, "Moving on…"

            He caught her actions.  "Did you think that I would just be able to sit here and talk to you without feeling anything?  I'm not yours anymore Rory, and no matter how hard it's taken me to learn that…I've got to accept the fact that we're two very different people who don't belong to each other anymore."  For the first time since he told her about the broken bone story he used a soft and comforting tone with her.

            However, she felt anything but comforted.  She felt empty.  "So this is it?"

            Once again, he didn't have the will to confront her icy eyes.  "Yeah, I guess it is.  You finished what you wanted to do and I finally got what I wanted—the truth."

            "Yeah, truth."  A dull pain begun to spread through her bones and muscles as she finally came to grasp the idea that this might be the last time she'd ever see him again.

            He fiddled with the spoon he had used to stir in his cream.  "Rory?"

            "Yeah?"  

            "Just for my sake, can I ask you one more thing?"  His voice was neutral and yet it held that inkling of hope.

            She gazed back at him with sad eyes and she nodded.

            "If you regretted leaving as much as you said, why didn't you just come back?"

            She didn't want to answer.  

            "Do you even know?"  He knew how she operated and sometimes she used silence as to answer problems that she didn't know the answer to.

            She nodded.

            "You don't want to tell me, huh?  What damage can it cause?  Just let me know; whether or not it will ease my mind, I just want to know."

            She understood his plea and sympathized with it.  He was right; what damage could it cause?  They had already ruined everything else.  So she let go of it and oddly enough she was confident in her voice but she broke down inside.  "I didn't deserve you.  I realized when I came home that night and you had left me that note saying that you had to run back to the office to pick up some papers but you had cooked me dinner and left it in the microwave; I saw how you had to completely alter everything you had ever wanted just to fit around my wants.  You choose to go to college in Boston instead of out west where I knew you had always wanted to go.  I watched as you abandoned the only chance you had to know your father to be with me—to stay with our relationship.  And no matter how grateful to see that you loved me that much, to sacrifice everything for me, I just couldn't watch you do it anymore.  I was no good for you, Jess.  You deserved to be in a relationship where you're equals, not one where you had to bend to fit my desires.  I didn't want to hold you back; I didn't want to be that girl where you would look back at your past relationships and see my face when you thought of regret.  I wanted so much from us—from our relationship, but I was being selfish."

            He nodded sadly, absorbing everything she had just told him.  He couldn't believe it and he was wrong to say that there wasn't anymore damage she could have done.

            "Jess, there's one more thing I want to say.  And before you get up from this table and walk out of my life, I want you to know just one more thing."

            "Yes?"  He was eager.

            "In your apartment at the end, you asked me what I wanted, but I didn't answer.  I had wanted to say that I still love you.  And I know that love isn't enough for you anymore because there's so much more you need and deserve, but I never stopped caring for you and that part just hurts the most.  If I had walked out because I had stopped loving you then these five years would have been a whole lot easier.  But I never let myself think that I still cared because that meant that I had made the wrong decision in letting you go and be yourself.  Seeing you again, right now, I just want you to know that there will always be a part of me that cares for you even if you don't feel that way towards me anymore.  And I'm fine with it because I caused it and it's my fault, but I just wanted to say it."

            He didn't react.  He just sat there with his eyes plastered forward.  There was no emotion left in him.

            She understood.  This was the time to leave.  She grabbed a couple of bills and placed them next to her cup and she departed without another glance or tear.  She pushed on the door and existed into the night.

--------------------------------------------------

            The night chill ran down her spine and she noticed that it wasn't night anymore.  They must have sat in that diner for hours.  The new morning sun had just begun to peak through the shadow of the night and she breathed in heavily.  Whether the breath served to calm down her nerves or to just feel that sense of cleansing, she couldn't distinguish.  She had wanted so much from her life when she was young.  She had wanted to be a writer, a journalist, among other countless things but over it all she only wanted to be happy.  She believed when she was younger that every step she took in her life served to achieve that goal of happiness and as she very slowly walked down the asphalt sidewalk, she finally realized that it wasn't true.  The step she just took in her life was bitter but was it sweet?  Could she be fully honest with herself and say that there was nothing else she could have said to him, nothing else she expected even in the every depths of her heart?  Did she want more?

            She didn't know and she had an inkling that she would never really figure it out.

            She took the subway home; she could never figure it out why she traveled so long to go to that particular diner.  She pondered that maybe it was because no one knew her there and no one tried to.  Even after going every weekend for breakfast, no one made an effort to know her name or her order.  In a very peculiar way, she enjoyed that anonymity; it relaxed her to think that nobody knew her secrets in that diner and nobody wanted to know them.  Every time she stepped through that door, she was given a clean slate and every time she walked out that diner, she was given the chance to erase that very same slate.

            Finally, she reached the entrance of her apartment.  She was glad to be home.  Stepping into the elevator, she pushed the little button and tucked her hair behind her ears.  The elevator signaled her floor and she stepped out and stared down the hall.

            Her breath caught in her throat.  Her lips went dry.  Her limbs went heavy.  She couldn't move.

            He got up slowly and approached.  He looked so tired.  "I realized that history was repeating itself."

            She was so confused.

            "Five years ago when you walked out of our apartment I knew you went home.  Every fiber of my being wanted to find you but it was my pride that held me back.  That night, I was so hurt and I knew that my pride had taken a beating too.  I didn't go after you because I didn't know if you wanted me to and because I wasn't sure if I could.  But after that night, no matter how angry I was at you, I was also so damn angry at myself for letting my pride stop me from doing what I thought was right.  I watched you walk out of that diner and I felt twenty-three again.  And right now, I don't care if this is right or whatever—all I know is that I'll spend the rest of my life regretting it if I didn't go after you."

            "Are you saying…?"  She trailed off.  She couldn't even say it; she didn't want to infer.

            "I'm not exactly sure what I'm saying; but I know that I don't want to loose you again."  He tentatively reached for her hand.  Slowly but surely, his hand wandered over to hers and at first, he gently touched as if she'd break; but then he fully grasped her hand into his.

            A small smile broke out on her face and it mirrored what was appearing on his.  "I want to work things out, Jess."

            "I know but right now this is all I can offer."  He glanced at their entwined hands and used his other hand to trace patterns on her skin.

            She knew that this was hard.  "But later…down the road…?"

            "It's going to take a lot of time."  He didn't answer her.

            "Okay."  She heard all she needed to anyways.

            "Okay."  He brought their hands up to his chest and he just rested them on the warmth of his jacket.  Slowly with the other hand, he traced her cheek with his palm and she leaned into his touch.  She bit her lip and he smiled at that reaction.  Some things never change.  He licked his lips and leaned down, softly descending onto hers.  The kiss was chaste but it conveyed everything he wanted it to.  It was nervous but full of promise.

            "Do you wanna come in for a couple of minutes?"  She looked expectant.  There was no innuendo laced into her question; she was young again—innocent and hopeful.

            "Sure."  He followed her lead and still clutched her hand as she closed the door softly behind them.

The End.

**AN:** That's it.  Thank you so much for reading and for sticking with me even with the severe time lapse.  It's been a wonderful journey.  Please, review.


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